|
Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004 / 10:42 a.m. ~When Will I Leave?~ Here�s a stupid office workers thing. Kukla, Veronica, Penelope, Jane and I were on a �team�, in a department that has since been dissolved, discontinued, disbanded, etc., and etc. We are now in another department, on separate �teams�. That said, today is Kukla�s birthday. Her new �team� did not do the traditional �cubicle decorating� thing. Nothing. Not one mylar balloon, not a big card, nada. So, I felt badly for her, because I think birthdays are special and stuff, right? And I told Penelope, suggested she go get Kukla a big balloon on her lunch break (I sent her an �e-card� last night). She asks me if I asked Veronica and Jane, like we can�t possibly do anything special for Kukla without gathering funds and making a group decision. I talked to Veronica, the cheapest, most selfish, greedy, slothful �Christian� I�ve ever met in my life (what would Jesus do?, he�d nail her to a fucking cross), and she said Kukla is on a new team now, it�s up to her new team, like we can�t do anything nice for her, we can�t acknowledge her because she is no longer on our �team�. This is beyond ridiculous. I�m hearing my Supervisor say, �President Bush wants us to��, �President Bush, blah, blah, blah��, and I want to puke. Why am I here again? I had to take my coffee grinder apart in order to grind my beans this morning, had to bring coffee to work to drink because I made it late, and therefore I just finished it, and therefore I will have coffee breath until I go home at lunch and can brush my teeth. Blech. Really, one cannot openly celebrate someone�s birthday unless that someone is on one�s �team�??? These women. They spout bible verses, they go to church twice a week, yet all they talk about is what pair of shoes they�re going to buy next, what clothes they put on layaway, what material objects they simply MUST own, and they give nothing to anyone. They can�t give freely. They are stingy and selfish, they are greedy, they snack all day long, they are gluttons, they are the seven deadly sins personified, and the blatant hypocrisy is so disgusting it�s hard to tolerate, sometimes. Today, especially, it is. This morning I dreamed we were all laid off. I just told my coworker, one who has no nickname as of yet, and she says she would be glad. She has a degree in accounting � wow! She is a former trucker. Again with the wow! Who knew? Sometimes I think that getting laid off is the only way I�ll ever leave here. Another example is Jane. Remember how much I loved Jane? My girlfriend-soulmate? I�ve told her everything. We�ve shared so much. But, as it turns out, she only shares with me, talks to me, if I�m the only one there. And, really, this is where I say, �It�s because I�m white, right?�, because I never see her socialize with any white women here. She talks to Veronica now, since they merged with this department before Kukla and I did. Jane will talk to me, share with me, only if I talk to her first. But otherwise? I don�t exist. I gave her the groovy DVD for Christmas, gave her a card, and she gave nothing, barely even wished me a Merry Christmas. Not that I should require reciprocity, but it would�ve been nice. So, these are the women who insist on hugs, and �Aw, Bless you!�s every morning, but they can�t give of themselves, not materially, not in any fashion really. I don�t get it, it�s so contradictory, my brain can�t usually process it. And each time I witness it, each time I�m reminded, because I have this bad habit of forgetting, I�m shocked, I close myself off, I turn away from them, I find myself �hating� them, really. It�s just so despicable. Am I really that different? Was it the way I was raised? Is it my nature? And let�s not forget how incredibly selfish I can be, but I give to people so much, I am so generous it hurts sometimes. I go overboard, I love too hard, too often, I�m too ready to give everything I have, and so many aren�t there. They�re not at that same place, regardless of their religious convictions. And this I cannot reconcile either. If one really wants to follow in the footsteps of that great man, the carpenter who turned his cheek when he was punched in the face, how can those seven deadly sins be so enthusiastically adhered to? The vanity, the sloth, the gluttony, the greed, what are the rest?? I don�t understand. I know I�m na�ve, I expect so much of my fellow human beings, because it�s what I am, it�s who I am, it�s what I give, and if someone quotes Jesus the man all day long, I fully expect that person to live by his mantra. Do unto others. Veronica says, �Kukla doesn�t care about that, that doesn�t matter to Kukla, I know Kukla personally��, and I wanted to fucking smack her. Fucking bitch. You think after six fucking years I don�t fucking know Kukla PERSONALLY too? And you think that that means the woman doesn�t deserve a little balloon or a card, or some kind of token of gratitude for being born on this anniversary of that day? Jesus fucking Christ himself. �I know Kukla personally��. Ooooooooooh!!!!! You don�t know how badly I wanted to come back and throw that back at her, take it outside, it made me so fucking angry, but what could I do? Veronica is the worst. She disgusts me. I will bring it up later, when I�m calmer, when she least expects it, and she will be shocked that I remember her saying it. Times like this, I totally think it is racial. I think it�s cultural. I think the Southern black woman is totally different from the Northern white woman. I think the European American woman is totally different from the African American woman. I think we are not only continents, but worlds apart, and as much as I see Veronica as disgusting Veronica, not a black woman, and Jane as the one everyone loves, yet the one who loves no one, not a black woman, and Kukla as the one who must socialize or she will die, not a black woman, they are a different species, we have so little in common. We have breasts and vaginas, but that�s about it. I am a foreigner here, and I forget it. Six years and I tend to forget. I tend to overlook color, even religious beliefs, I want to see everyone as human, and I want to believe that inherently we all want the same things, that we all are basically good, but it�s a lie I tell to keep myself sane, to be able to function in this society, and most especially here, at this job. When will I leave this place? Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |