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2001-06-01 / 11:08 p.m. ~I've got "Gaydar"~
I just sat here and wrote, and wrote and wrote, and it's gone because I tried to highlight an url a friend wanted me to visit, and instead of just highlighting it in Yahoo Messenger my browser tried to go to the url, and I lost everything, all of it, maybe 15 minutes worth of sitting here writing, 15 fucking minutes of my life, gone, my thoughts, my night, what happened. I am so goddamned angry.........I want to focus, get it back, but I want to break something, or cry at the very least. Calm.....breathe........it wasn't a friend, it was Robert, Robert telling me to "check this out", some stupid Catholic soccer site, or something, so I stop what I'm doing, because I was mean to him, I told him to stop telling me he misses me, I said he needs to find something new to say, he was pissing me off with all his projecting. So, I just wanted to open the url in a new window, simple, but Yahoo Messenger doesn't work that way. Apparently one cannot highlight and copy and paste either. Fuck me to tears, I told him, and he says, sorry, well go visit it anyway. Huh? He's not a writer, he doesn't get it. Okay, Jennifer called me this morning to invite me to her birthday gathering at Bahama Breeze, one of those theme restaurant places, and I said sure, anything for you, Jenn, why not? I regretted saying that for the rest of the day. I felt crappy all day, and I don't know if it was the constant rain (I'd never make it in the Pacific Northwest), the rain which had kept me up half the night last night, hard, so hard it sounded like the roof would cave in, then soft, then HARD, all night long. Or maybe I'm just outrageously frustrated with my life, or I just need to get laid, or I'm just repressing a lot of anger. All day, tired, angry, short-tempered, just wanted to go home and lie down. So, by the end of the day I was struggling, but I like to keep my word. I go home and feed the cats and I head back out to this place where I've never been and I look for Jenn and her friends, our mutual friends, I walk all through the place, the patio, the bar, and this place is HUGE, and I don't see anyone I know, but people keep coming, there's a waiting list, and I sit, I wander, I check out the gift shop (yeah, a gift shop), and nothing. And I'm getting pissed, and I just don't get it. Where are they? She said 6:30 and it's 7:15, and I looked, I did, I didn't see them. After a half hour I go back in for another look and there they are, on the patio, and how the hell did I miss them anyway?! I'm so mad at myself, for being so stupid, for not trying hard enough, for being feet from them and not even seeing them. There's not even a chair for me. I'm standing and the server wants to bring me a drink, and she's too fucking happy for me, and I don't want a drink, I want a chair, and they've already eaten, there are leftover chicken wings and dirty napkins and drinks that've been mostly drunk. Give me a minute. C. gives up her seat and I can relax. Sensory overload, so many people, and I see this is what the white people in exurbia do on a Friday night, and why is it that Jenn wanted to come here? Even I feel uncomfortable and I am white! There's a guy singing and playing guitar, a one man band with machines playing the songs he accompanies. It's reggae and Jimmy Buffet and he's not bad, and everyone is having fun, little kids are dancing and we're in the Bahamas, not outside a strip mall, not surrounded by "box stores" in this substitute for civilization, this exurban excess. No, feel the breeze......it's cool, I've got a Bahamarita, a Margarita like drink, now, and I order Adobo Chicken Quesadillas, and I'm eating now and drinking now, and Jennifer says she's happy, and I'm happy she's happy, and I'm happy I found them finally, and we're all okay here, in the Bahamas in exurbia. It's easy to forget what's all around us. It's Jenn's day, it's her party, it's her choice of where to be, she digs it, everyone there seems so happy. Our own little party comes and goes. Replacements arrive, and it's Chris and F. I'm so glad to see them! I've always liked Chris and never really socialized with him outside of work. He's drinking concoctions too, something from the drink "book", not just a menu, but a whole book of specials, tropical alcoholic beverages, made with fresh squeezed juices, wines, regular drink mixes, scotches, a whole fucking book! He's got something with fresh pineapple sticking out of it and he's getting happier and happier. We're looking at the same guy, Chris and I, watching him cross the room, going to a table, and he's wearing tight clothes, a tight shirt, short sleeves, tight pants, nice arms, he looks gay, and Chris is staring and I'm staring and I look at Chris to see him staring, then back at the guy, and finally Chris sees me seeing him and we burst into raucous laughter at the same time! He says he didn't know I knew he was gay. Of course, Chris, probably from the first time I met you, but he wants to be sure he doesn't come across as some flaming queen. No, no, not at all, I've had a lot of gay friends, I have "gaydar", I say. He laughs. We're simpatico, all of a sudden, I feel we're both minorities, we're both of a group. I'm not gay, but I'm a sympathizer, no, I'm a minority too, I'm an eccentric freak, a white in an all black work environment, and you're black and you're gay, in a Christian all black work environment. We're together, we're out of the office now. Yeah, we're talking about the Pride parade last year, and if we're going this year, and him quitting his job and moving downtown and I'm digging this, I feel so at home with him, and I miss my gay friends, I want to hang out with him all the time. A second Bahamarita, and these things are good! It's getting dark, it's getting cool, I light our little oil lamp/candle thing, and Jenn is toasted, Cory is ordering shots, then champagne splits for A. and M. I've got to get out of there. It's raining again, the guy is singing Jimmy Buffet and these black folks are singing along, and this place is so white, and I am so happy Chris knows I know he's gay and I'm cool with it, and maybe we can hang out some time. He's pointing out cute guys to me, and I to him, and I miss that! I miss being able to sit with a guy and look at all the cute guys. It's better than being with a girlfriend. Sigh....... I've had enough, I didn't even want to go to this place, but it's not bad, the patio was great, I felt stupid, but I found them, Jenn was glad I showed, it wasn't bad at all, really. I could've stayed, but I might have wanted one of the cute guys, and with alcohol I may have been stupid, and I don't want to be stupid, and it was raining, and I had to drive. I stayed long enough, long enough to connect. Robert called again today, at home while I happened to be here for lunch. He'd tried me at work first, but I was gone. He was in his car, on his cell phone (grrrr....I hate people talking on phones while driving!), says he misses me again - why is suddenly so stuck on me? We've only met in person once, watched a hockey game at a sports bar - he wimped out when it came to the walk me to my car goodbye kiss moment. He lacked confidence, seemed uncomfortable, I didn't even think he liked me. Since then he's been more hot and cold than even I can be. Now he wants me, wants to be close to me, and not even physically, says our minds are the same, think the same, we're kindred spirits, calls me, says he misses me, talks to me on Yahoo Messenger. It's too much, there's no basis for it, he's projecting for some reason, he thinks I'm someone I'm not. I'm exhausted, I'm out. Cost of the War in Iraq
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