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2001-06-03 / 3:25 p.m. ~Vicious Cycle~
I stayed up until 4:30 this morning trying to add a stupid counter to this page. One would think it wouldn't be so difficult, but I wanted it to be free, I didn't want some huge banner, I finally decided I wanted it to be invisible, and by the time I signed up, got the HTML code and added it to the page, tested it, etc., it was really really really late and it still didn't work. I just tried it again, and everything I do with this computer, everything that involves going to a site that has any level of graphics or text that's beyond the most very basic, well, it takes FOREVER, and it's FRUSTRATING and it's overall FUCKED. The 3 "F"s. So, it wouldn't work. I kept getting "javascript" errors, and I have javascript enabled, I've checked and double checked, so it's not me, I'm not stupid, I know what this computer can and cannot (mostly cannot) do. So, I deleted it. Hours, last night, well early this morning, and hours just now, hours, wasted, signing up, choosing style, going from invisible to visible to not counting my browser to counting it, all that time wasted. What do I care anyway? I don't want traffic on my personal diary. Only one person I know has the link, and although I've joined all these diaryrings I don't think anyone is reading this but me. And that's what I wanted. I don't even know if I want to know who's reading this besides me, or how often. Speaking of.....I visited my little web site for the first time in a long time today, and it has a counter, and that counter has been counting. I didn't remember it being so high.....so I did a stats summary and found out someone visited it recently, and it wasn't me. I have no way of knowing who, but I know what day(s), and he/she/they were referred by an MSN search....Yikes! So I did a search too, to see what's out there on me, and well, I guess I wasn't really thinking about me, about what I write, being out there. I'm just glad I made my online photo album private! But do I care, do I really care about Privacy on the 'Net? What do people know? Okay, one of my nicknames is there, and one of my email addresses using that nickname, and you can find out my real name, first and last, and if you look in more search engines you can see links to some really old messages I left on a message board using that same nickname, and a link to my web site, and a link to that same photo album, which is now private, and um, what high school I attended. So what? Right, I'm okay. Lots of people are visible, like the sportscaster. I could watch him on the news tonight if I wanted, and he can't stop me. I could tell everyone what he did, what he wrote, in fact I will, here, soon, not that anyone reads this. See, it all comes around again, doesn't it? Last night Robert called me from out west where he was to fetch his daughter. And....he put her on the phone! Say "Hi", he says to her, and she gets on and says "Hi Daddy!", well, because he told her to say hi, not to the person on the phone, just to say hi, then he clarified it, told her to say hi to me, personally, tried to get her to say my name, and I said hi to her, and I don't think she expected that, another voice to be there, at the other end, but she said something else, and it was that cute little 2 1/2 year old voice, just like Lilly. She's Lilly's age. Robert is so excited to have her again - it must have been so hard for his ex to take that little girl away like that, all the way out west.......so there they were, in a hotel room, with a mini bar, and he said she discovered the candy in it and was having a grand ol' time, and he wanted to go play with her before she went to bed, but he wanted to call, because he said he would, "I said I'd call so I'm calling", and suddenly he has this intense desire to make promises to me and fulfill them, and that feels weird, strained, not like he wants to talk to me, nor I to him, but he wants to prove that he can follow through. He asks if it was okay that he put his little girl on the phone, um, after the fact, and well, sure, why wouldn't it be? It would only be traumatic for her in the long run, not me. But it won't be, traumatic, it's fine, it was her saying hi, to no one in particular, she didn't even know what she was doing. He says the game is terrible, isn't it? But Jersey was only down by one, and I said there's another whole period, it's no big deal, and I start to wonder does he have the game on there in the room? Is he watching, or does he check the score before he talks to me so it seems he's interested? He's trying too hard. The Devils do win, and it wasn't a terrible game, it was a great game, very exciting, potential OT dissolves when NJ scores late in the third, and I'm going "Whoo Hoo!!!" to no one in particular, and J. calls when it's over to say "Whoo Hoo!!!!" too, because we don't want Colorado to win, but we will be happy if Bourque walks away with his name on the Cup after 22 years in the business of skating around and shooting at vulacanized rubber with a stick. He's lost teeth, he's a true athlete, yeah, a vet, it will be okay either way. Horoscope says to stay in my cocoon, but if I don't get out and see a movie I'll be wasting time. Here, on the 'net, this vicious time suck with a 14.4 modem......my life spent waiting.....waiting......just like that silly commercial, "I love the internet......I don't love waiting". I'm okay. Time off from the men, time off from work, still subconsciously recovering from the sportscaster. And I will paste it all here some day soon, just to prove a point to any outside parties who care to see. Oh, and those posts to that message board, those old posts, some from 9-9-99 (and what does THAT mean?), they're not too bad, they're kind of poignant, kind of eloquent, I'm not that bad a writer when I try, but it depends on the location, what there is to say. If you knew that nickname and if you did the search on the right search engine and you saw those posts, you could say "Hmmmm......", interesting. Cost of the War in Iraq
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