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2001-06-04 / 6:41 p.m. ~What really happens when people disappear~
So I finally managed to install a little site counter. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I saw it on some other diaries and went to the site which offers them, signed up, entered the code in HTML (the java code, but it seems to work), and today I looked to see some actual "hits" that weren't me. I can set it to ignore my IP, but I think it might ignore anyone using the same IP, I'm not sure, so I hesitate to do that. Still, one diary I was reading yesterday had something like 3500 hits and I kept thinking, well, it was probably her as she was writing it, checking it, proofreading, looking for hits, etc. I don't know. Really. But there you have it. Bill called today - Jesus Fucking Christ! Bill called today!!! He disappeared on May 2nd, I'd called his number at work, gotten his voice mail and it always said, "Hi, this is Bill _, it's May 2nd....", and every time I heard it I said, no, it's not May 2nd, Bill where are you? Well, I didn't leave that on his voice mail, but I said it, aloud, to myself. I tried to write email, but that wacky mailer daemon (or however you spell it) returned it. No more email, no more voicemail, he dropped off the face of the earth. I gave up. I didn't think I had his phone number at home, actually I never looked for it. I thought maybe that "roommate" was more than a roommate and wouldn't it be awkward if I was right? No, I didn't try too hard, outwardly, but inwardly I was very concerned, puzzled, and it happened at the same time as the Crystal debacle. Both of them, constant contact, them WHAM! Nothing. So, he calls, today, at work - he was in a car accident, says he took a curve too fast, didn't ever wear his seat belt, wrapped himself and vehicle around a utility pole. Ouch. Broken ribs, fractured hip, concussion, hospital, etc. He says he's better now, but has like $15,000 in doctor bills, moved in with his grandparents so they could care for him. Ouch, again. Imagine having to ask someone to care for you......No health insurance either. At least I have some added on to my car insurance, just for that reason, in case I wrap myself and my vehicle around something tall and immobile. Yikes. What to say? I told a few people at work, they didn't seem to care. How weird is that? Bill, you know, Bill, you remember Bill, right? Hey, it was bad, okay, but he's okay now......you remember, right? Crazy. This is how it is when someone disappears. One wonders what may have happened......maybe the person died. Yeah, he stopped writing, he never calls....because he died! Well, what if he did? Some people do die, most do, hell, all of us will, soon. Really, sooner than we think. And some will just wrap themselves around something tall and immobile, and it will hurt, a lot, and they won't be able to walk and stuff. He wants me to type up his resume. Says I'm the professional writer. Huh? I'll try. He wanted to meet me at a sports bar tonight to watch the game....and I guess I was supposed to invite him here, right? No. I didn't want to, I'm not the type of person who can't say no. No. I am not. NO. I really want to just go home and watch it there, I say. Oh, okay, he says. But we can have lunch, I say, yeah, meet me for lunch, Wednesday. And that will be okay. He needs to write up what he wants me to type. He has no computer access now. He had to move, you know, in with the grandparents. Wow. This is too much, I had to remove myself from feeling. I felt like crap today anyway, after a weekend of doing nothing but hanging out online and watching TV, in intervals. TV now. Online now. Email/Movie/Site meter/"Guiding Light" on tape/More email/Cheesy TV movie, etc. I was getting sick, I was fighting something. It's cancer, I'm sure of it. One of my moles on my back actually scabbed and I picked at it in the shower. Is that okay? It bled a little. They're not supposed to do that, are they? No. Oh, it's not gross, it doesn't look bad, it's just been feeling like something else, not a mole, and well, it's cancer, surely. So, it's metasticized and I have a huge tumor in my brain, I know it. Today I had a dizzy spell, and I've been dizzy a lot, and I have these headaches that I sometimes just wake up with, and with the dizziness, well, it's cancer, I know it. Doctor? No health insurance, and besides, I hate doctors. Yes, as a people, as a species, I hate them, not dislike intensely, no, I hate them. No doctors. I'll let the cancer run its course. Someone will take care of the cats, right? Love them, not like I do, no one could, but well, a lot, right? I decided to try to wean myself off the echinacea....again. Last night I just took one capsule intead of two. I can't be taking this shit ALL the time. What does it do besides boost my immune system? Is it causing the acne? Is it making me tired? What are the "side effects"? Won't it stop working eventually anyway, if I take it every-single-day? So, I tried to stop, to wean, slowly, but I got this sore throat, like when I stretch my chin up, and my neck is stretching, it hurts. I can't clear my throat, I was really logy, almost fell asleep at my desk. So now I have to boost my dosage so I don't succumb. Fucking vicious cycle! Oh wow, if anyone besides me is reading this, you know my tongue is tickling my cheek, right? It's not firmly planted, just a little tickle, inside, but you know I'm not 100% serious, right? I like to be an extreme hypochondriac who self-medicates, who self-diagnoses, it's a little game I play with my mortality, nothing to worry about. Whew! I was concerned for a second there... V. was back at work today. She had a whole week off because her husband's father died. Okay. A whole week? I don't know, what has to be done? Hell, everyone in my family already died, so I guess I don't remember all the crap one has to "do". Still, P. wanted to collect money, and all I thought was "Fuck that!", sorry, but for what? A cake? It's not a birthday, somebody died. You feel bad you get a card. YOU. Don't come hitting me up for cash. We're all kind of older, right? Lots of relatives are gonna be dying, don't tell me you want to collect everytime someone's great aunt twice removed on her grandmother's father's side dies. Nope. So we got into it, a little, and I felt bad, and then I thought, oh shit, they're gonna talk about me behind my back. "Well, Joleen doesn't want to give money for V.'s father-in-law!" Hey, I said, let's get that "pool" idea going again, come on, every pay day, every other pay day, give a dollar or two, we'll store it in a communal pot, a pool, we'll have the cheese for birthdays, deaths, anniversaries, going away parties, whatever. But no, K. said what if not everyone wants to give? I think it should be mandatory, I said, 'cause in this instance what goes around comes around, you know? Then I start remembering my birthday and how no one but my supervisor did anything for me. Sure, they all ate the cake, they'll always eat cake, and they sang the white version of the "Happy Birthday" song, not their little soul version they always do.....wait a sec, maybe I don't want to contribute either, and I sure as hell don't want to give money (for what? flowers???) for V.'s husband's father. The dude is gone, man, people die all the time, every day, really, it's not like it was a cat or something! Yeah, I mention the girls, my fluffy bestest friends, what if one of my cats dies and you guys don't want to give? I challenged them, because I KNOW they would not give a flying fuck! George Carlin was on "Dennis Miller Live" this weekend - they re-played it last night and I watched it in bed when I should've been asleep, but it was after "Girl Interrupted" which I rather spontaneously watched about 3/4 of, and Jesus that film was depressing, but I had read the book, when it was published, and loved it, well, was engrossed by it, but anyway........George Carlin and Dennis Miller together...wow. They are two of the most absurdly intelligently humorous men I know of. Carlin is a genius. Dennis was asking him how he deals with the absurdity of life in this country, as an American, as advertising was the chosen topic, and Carlin just said, "Hey, you're handed a ticket to this freak show when you're born, just sit back and enjoy the show", and well, he has a point, but I'm more like Dennis, shit bothers me! It's hard to just sit back and laugh. I sit back and cry more often than not. Jesus, we're all in hell, I say, but Carlin can make me laugh, he can make me see the irony in this life. I'm glad I caught that show. I wish I knew George Carlin, could hang out with him. I've been listening/watching him since I was a little kid in the '60s, since we had 45 records with him doing his routine "The Hippie Dippie Weatherman", and it was funny then. I'm through, I think, Game 5 of the Stanley Cup will be on soon, so I will watch, have soup, take echinacea and try to feel better. Cost of the War in Iraq
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