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2001-06-11 / 10:44 p.m. ~Adrift~
Last night, on my way home from babysitting, I watched a car drift across the highway. It was slow, at first, just changing lanes without indication, no signal involved, but that's not so unusual, not in this city. Only the car kept drifting, one lane wasn't good enough, on to the next, from right to left, and I started to wonder at the point of all this lane changing, 12:30 a.m., Monday morning, a late Sunday night, why would anyone need to move over? No traffic, what was the objective? He/she was ahead of me, but I passed, moved over myself, to the right. There are many lanes on this stretch of highway, maybe 6, going each direction, and there is an HOV lane, so I thought, Oh, he/she wants that HOV lane, "There are 2 of us", he/she says, "That's the lane for us, I won't signal, it's late, no need, no sir." Drifting, drifting, no longer tethered to anchor, adrift in a sea of asphalt, all the way to the HOV lane...and smack into the concrete divider, sparks fly, metal against concrete, crash, and he/she straightens, barely loses speed, the car next to me slows, we're looking, what do we do, do we do anything? Where are the rules for this situation? There aren't any. The car drifts back, to the right, the left headlight is flickering I notice in my rearview. He/she's slowed, but never stopped, and it's dark, a faceless he or she, with a passenger or not, alone or together, sleeping or otherwise. Someone tired or inebriated or having a stroke or being stung by a bee or dialing a cell phone, and I'll never know, but I felt so alone, I'd seen something potentially horrible, and was that person alone too? McVeigh is dead now, his government killed him, and Mr. Bush says it's not vengeance it's justice, but is it? Then why doesn't the government castrate rapists? It was vengeance, it was government sanctioned murder, and if it was justice then let us all see it, nothing to hide if all is on the up and up. Public hanging, or beheading - yeah, get out the guillotine and let us all watch, since it's justice, all holy and good. Some killing is good, this is the message. As long as our government does the killing, says it's okay, it's a good thing. I question this. Steve wrote more to me, and I read it feeling like I was being lectured to. Something about "bypass" and "bypass charge" because I felt he ignored something important I'd included in a previous email, and suddenly he's sounding like Mr. Scientologist, using the word "we". "We call this: blank", etc., and suddenly, yes, suddenly, I think, Okay, that's it, never mind, this isn't going to happen, but is that me just preferring my aloneness to having to "work" at a relationship? "Oh, this is going to be hard, there will be downs after the ups, so, no, I don't think so, after all, no thanks, I'm fine, I don't need you, don't need "this", after all". I can dish it out, but I can't take it. I can judge and criticize and analyze to death, but turn any of it on me and I'd just as soon write you off my list entirely. What was it like before? Before, when he didn't have Scientology? Before he had his self-realization and transcendence, before his rejection of materialism, his newfound discovery of the importance of the absence of attachment of meaning to objects? This is not easy, and I do not need difficult, I've had difficult, and I prefer now to then. Alone is better than together with the wrong person. But do I even know that he is the wrong person? What if he is totally right? I wrote all of this at work, early in the day. Since then, I've gone to see a special screening of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", on a huge screen, in a special, old theater. It was glorious, wonderful, really, even though my second time seeing it. I come home to find two more email letters from Steve, horrible, nasty, designed to hurt email letters, and I am in pain, it does hurt, and I don't know if I deserve it, if I deserve once again for someone to tell me he loves me only to take it back, to retract the gift, later, days later. I don't need this, I didn't need this, anyone who comes on so strong is not real. He was not real, either he is recoiling from pain I inflicted, or he is just evil, because no one needs to do this to me. I'm adrift as well, across all these lanes, just nodding in and out, gently moving left, into that concrete divider, and someone had better wake me up so I won't crash... Cost of the War in Iraq
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