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2001-06-12 / 7:11 p.m. ~The ride is over~
Last night hurt, but having the satisfaction of calling Steve, and yelling at him, yeah, yelling, being furious and him listening to me be furious, hearing him try to get a word in, and me letting him, a little, was cathartic. Staying up until almost 2 in the a.m., writing to him, dissecting all my email letters to him, quoting myself, trying to find what I said that got him, that made him turn around, that made him change his mind, and promising to dissect his letters to me next (which, well, I don't feel the need/energy to do, not now - maybe later?), made me feel even better, and I didn't cry, no, I held it in, but I kept breathing through it. I am so proud of myself for handling this, I feel grown up, for once, I feel like a 40 year old, like I will not let a man make me hate myself, I will not let myself feel like I want to curl up and die, like I am going to have a nervous breakdown...because he can't get a handle on his own feelings. He didn't want to hear about Astrology, didn't want to know what I was learning about Libra, about him not wanting to upset his peaceful existence, but then when he basically said just that, I wanted to shout, "I read that! I just read that about you!". I didn't. I was restrained, sure I was open and outrageously honest, don't know how not to be, but Jesus, I know how to hold back the hurtful stuff now. Holy shit, I've learned something about relating, about hurting, in my life, I've finally learned. He did the hurting, he is the one who cannot function in a relationship, he was the one who told me to "Run like hell" from him, and he was right. Big sigh.........let the air out, it's okay, this was a learning experience, there was a reason we stopped, 20 years ago, more than that, 22 years ago. We did not work. Repeat, we did not work. I had a glossy memory of him, and we were headed for head over heels in love stuff, this time, but I didn't trust him, I knew he was bullshitting, fooling himself, he was the one searching for happiness, when all I wanted to know was if he was still alive, and how many kids did he have, was he married, still? No, no kids, never married, lives like a hermit, has only a bicycle and a broken motorcyle. He consults, he's some eccentric intelligent software something or other, something to do with hardware and software and algorithms and music, and I don't even know what he does, but he made it all sexual, took it too far, and when he told me his past I balked, naturally, it was natural. I wrote it out, apologized, I'm not here to judge, no, but hey, let's back up, so he writes that he's giddy, he's floating, his words, he's madly falling in love with me, then a late night bike ride and he realizes he feels nothing at all. Hurt me more. Hand me the candy and take it away, it's not like I have feelings. Love me, don't love me, love me, become indifferent, see me in the Fall, it's okay, I feel nothing, but you remember my pussy, you don't remember me. You say that, you write that, about my "pussy", it's a vulva to me. I sense issues with women, you controlling your sexuality by visiting strip clubs? By having lap dances every night? By befriending these lesbian "dancers"? So you won't confuse sexual interest with love? And what the fuck did you just do with me? You go a year without sex, I write to you, hey, how are ya? And you suddenly want to fuck me in my ass, you suddenly want my lips around your cock, you're in love? No, no, no, that's not love, my friend. Good you realized, good we backed up, good I wrote to you, slapped you with words, abused you as you did me. You need a wake up call. It's over. I don't think I can write to him, I don't think I can dissect his emails as I threatened to do, point it all out to him, But you said this! But you said that! Here, read it!! No, let it go, let him go, I found him, but why would I want his pain? Why would I want him to hurt me? He is royally fucked up, thank god there are people more fucked up than I, so I can see that really I'm the sane one. The yin and yang necessary for us to gain clarity. I've got it. It's crystal clear now. I don't hurt, I feel like a tornado passed through my heart. It's over. Cost of the War in Iraq
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