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2001-06-23 / 8:27 p.m. ~Random thoughts on a Saturday~
I just tried to install the RAM modules Computer Guy gave me, but guess what? There are no empty slots. It was quite the learning experience, simply taking off the cover and fiddling about inside. I had never done it before, only seen it when my brother was upgrading it for me, after he partitioned the hard drive. I do remember him saying I would need a whole new motherboard to add RAM.........Regardless, my computer, monitor, speakers, modem, etc., are now all clean and dust-free. Even all my little Happy Meal toys surrounding, and my little Buddha, and Greek Joseph and Mary icon. All my little computer accoutrements, cleaned and replaced. But no extra memory. Still 16 MB RAM, still a 14.4 modem, for now. Speaking of my brother...he sent me email this morning, only a sentence and a link to a photo. Photo from ilovebacon.com, a book cover, a book entitled My Big Book of Pretty Pussies, um, with a picture of two Persian kittens on it. He said he thought of me when he saw it, and I wrote back that maybe it's because I just love a pretty pussy. We haven't seen each other in 3 years or more. A "falling out" of sorts, an excuse to finally write him off, to finally give up on trying to have a relationship with him, a long story, but now he sends email once or twice a year, and it's always quite startling, and I always think this is it, this is where we begin to communicate once more, that I do in fact have a brother, and a sister-in-law, and we are family, and we live so close to one another, really we should get together, or something, but then I remember how much I dislike him, them, what they've done to me, how small they've made me feel, and though I want to put it behind me, and it is in fact there, behind me, it will never go away. So, I write a sentence in return, and leave it at that. And I want to pick up the phone and ask if I'm doing it right, locating the RAM module slots, but I know I am, I am smart, like he is, can figure things out, like he can, and I don't need him, won't let myself need either one of them, ever. After, I looked it up on AskJeeves.com, how to install a RAM module, and that site is great, really. There was a whole description of how to do what I'd just done, and I learned I was supposed to "ground" myself, but I didn't, but I think I'm still alive, so again, I guess I did it right. Last night I read Confession's diary on diaryland. Confession.diaryland.com. Starting with the last entry, then going back to the beginning and reading the whole thing. It was engrossing, and very clever, had me thinking it was real, for a minute or two, but I knew a person in so much turmoil, so much emotional distress, would not be writing so eloquently, so well, and so regularly on a web site. It defied all logic. And, it was pulpy, cheesy, in parts. Too dime store novel-y. But....still, it was good, well done. I recommend it. I read portions of several other diaries, went diary surfing, as it were, and it was a good time, but I had to give it a rest finally. Tired, long week and all, having my period, overall blah. I awoke in the middle of the night with severe cramps, and pain in my vagina. Searing, stabbing pain, and I imagined a knife blade inserted, twisting, cutting me, as I lay there trying against all hope to sleep, Gladys curled up against me, spooning. This went on for what seemed an eternity, but I must have eventually fallen asleep because I remember waking up, later. Today's been a recovery time, resting, watching a lot of television, looking at the weather outside, the blue skies, and green of the trees outside the porch. I was surprised to find the temperature was much lower than it's been, only in the 70s, and I opened the windows, put in a fan, turned off the a/c, 'til it became too hot, upstairs unit and all. Watched an interesting show on VH1, "Bands on the Run", interesting I guess because this particular "episode" was taking place in my town. I recognized the clubs, the hotel, knew where these people were, but what idiots! The drinking, the excess, the overall stupidity. It was great fun! I confess I am a reality-show-addict. Anything that shows real people making fools of themselves in front of cameras is too good. Well, not those home movies shows, the stupidest videos of Dad being hit in the balls by little Bobby kind of shows, or Police Chases involving drunk motorists who later fall down because they're so drunk. No, the "Temptation Island", "Survivor", "Chains of Love, "Real World", "Bands on the Run" kind of reality shows. Pure escapism. Nothing exciting, just lots of drivel, random thoughts on a Saturday. Tonight is the new Paul Shaffer "game show" on VH1, "Cover Wars". That should be good. And tomorrow is for two movies at the FOX, assuming I go. There is also going to be the PRIDE Parade, but I went last year, and I don't have the energy for it this year, or the desire to stick out, huge neon sign flashing "I'M STRAIGHT", thinking I blend in just fine. Well, I'm straight, but not narrow, but they ran out of those shirts last year...... Oh, watched "Fluke" on the Family Channel (and what is so "family" about it?), something else filmed in my town. Cool to see so many locations I know. But, there's Eric Stolz, and he reminds me so much of Steve, his hair, his voice........and I am thinking about Steve, and hearing all the things he said to me, this last time we talked, and that 7 1/2 hour phone conversation, and I'm thinking I don't know him at all, but I wish he'd write more. I don't ever want to write back, just read what he writes, his drivel, for a change. Cost of the War in Iraq
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