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2001-10-25 / 1:30 p.m. ~A Calmer, Gentler Me~ Well, the one person who should have read my previous tirade has not, not yet, doesn't mean he won't, and I know I shouldn't care, but I think I do, care, that is. I guess the horrible email letter I wrote him was enough. I don't know, it just seems like if you read someone's diary every day and you never say anything to the writer, why all of a sudden say something if it's in disagreement? Maybe some people are just like that, combative, argumentative. It doesn't seem appropriate in this medium, the land of diaries. If I was an editor, a newspaper columnist, or a magazine writer, and I wrote something controversial, expressed unpopular personal opinions, yeah, sure, attack me! I'd expect nothing less, but this is a "diary". Jeez, people. Don't you understand what a "diary" is? It's my personal feelings. My life, in written form. Yeah, thanks to the internet, and a certain ANDREW, it's here, and if you're voyeuristic enough you can read it. But why lose sight of what it really is? It's not ethical to attack someone for what personal feelings and thoughts she writes in her diary. It makes no sense, really. Especially after she writes to you to tell you that she thinks you're pretty cool. "Yeah, sure, Joleen, but you suck!". No, that's not right. It's mean, yeah, mean. I am sensitive, extremely sensitive. People don't realize that, they see some hard outer shell, some tough exterior and think they can beat on me, that I won't crack. Little do they know how soft I am inside. How terribly vulnerable and insecure I am. How alone in the world, how without love. How could anyone read this diary every day, read about my depression, my problems relating to people, especially at work, how isolated I feel at work, how desirous I am of love, of sex, of companionship, and not see it. Read it and not see it. Are you skimming? Why are you here at all? Why peek in on my life only to skim the surface, glean what you would glean, use it against me? What kind of person does that? Sigh� I'm calmer, I'm okay, stats indicate that person is gone, hopefully for good. Although�an apology would be great. A "Gee, Joleen, I'm sorry, I meant no harm, I didn't realize I was attacking you, I enjoy reading you, it's why I click on your page at least twice a day during the week, I should watch what I write to people, I should think before clicking 'send' in the future" would be nice, real nice. But this person is not considerate enough for that. Nope. Is consideration dead? Are good manners a thing of the past? In other news, I was supposed to go post flyers for the march tonight, but I don't know that the person who asked me to go with her is willing to accommodate my schedule. She's another one of these one-sentence emailers. I gave her my work phone, but she has yet to call. Can I use the excuse that she is not from here? Um, she's from another country, maybe there's a language problem. Whatever. I'm guessing it's illegal, the posting of flyers, probably involving stapling them to telephone poles and such, very not a good thing. I don't want to get arrested. But, if she calls, and we can work out a time frame, yeah, I'm posting flyers tonight. And getting arrested. Whoo hoo. Any other news? Not really. Just that I seriously considered several very drastic options last night and this morning - one being to vacate Diaryland for good, resort to paper journals for my eyes only in the future, two being to abandon the internet for good, it sucks way too much of my time from me, go back to reading books, watching television, writing on paper, going out to see movies, etc., three being to lock up my diary, which seems pointless. Why post all this to the internet if no one can see it? Isn't that part of the attraction, that people can see it? So, I simply calmed down, feel a little guilty for writing nastiness in response to the nastiness I received, and like I once did with Tattoobelly, am actually thinking I totally overreacted. Yeah, it's a distinct possibility. Funny thing is I don't give a fuck about the guestbook entry, the Bennett person, I really don't, because I don't know who that is, that person means nothing to me, but the emailer was a person whose opinion meant something to me. Stupid, I know. It's all really stupid. I'm not going to hate myself for this one though, let's just hope it's all past and I can keep going. Hah! I lost a couple people who had me listed as a fave! But know what? I don't care. The less people reading this the happier I'll be. When new people come in and check out a page or two, usually skimming, I get the worst reactions. I'd rather they just stay away. Oh, MyMichele recently wrote something in her diary (I'll have to look it up later so I can quote her) about people coming in and out of one's life, how some stay, some disappear and find you later, some you find, and it was so true - in fact, someone from my past recently found me. I can't say how great that was, it blew me away. A girl I went to high school with found me at that Classmates site, what is it, Classmates.com? I guess I registered there at some point, but never paid any fee they wanted, leaving it at that. Well, she looked me up, must've paid to be able to write to me, sent me a really nice little note, wants to communicate, says I helped her back then, 8th grade, helped through the hard time high school can be, and she thinks of my smile from time to time. Wow. I wrote back, and now we'll see if we stay in touch. But, hey, wow, huh? Cost of the War in Iraq
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