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2001-07-29 / 2:01 p.m. ~Alienation of Affection~ Meeting people online can be very strange. In fact, I don't think I've had but one positive and long lasting experience with it in the three and a half years that I have had online access. There is the one in Ireland, the one I only just a few days ago told about my diary, gave her the link and all. She is great, so much like me, another Aries. And I don't mean she's great because she is like me, I mean she is a lot like me, and she is great. We write, sometimes, a lot of the time we don't. But we have yet to piss each other off, we have yet to alienate each other, to get truly angry at one another, or maybe angry at all. No, we are supportive, good "listeners", as much as one can listen via an email letter. There was someone else, another Aries, and he seemed simpatico as well, another like-minded soul, a good writer, someone with whom I could correspond, all the way across this country. We met as writers, on Themestream, reading each other's "articles", about midlife crises, about me and my "misadventures", about him and his writing, his life. We wrote email letters, and all was well. A conversation, of sorts, began. Naturally, when I began this diary, I wanted him to know. Please read it, I said, and, I'd love to, he said, and that is how it started. We still wrote to one another, and all was well...... Until, through my site statistics, I was able to chart his visits, realized he'd visit my diary several times a day, yet I wouldn't hear from him but maybe twice a month or so, maybe thrice. And when he wrote it was only about himself, as if he'd already heard all about me. It suddenly wasn't remotely resembling any sort of written conversation I'd been a part of, it suddenly was very peculiar and unsettling, me knowing he knew all about me, all about my days, all about my feelings, my depression, or my lust, my life, but not saying a word, unless of course to offer some comment about the most unpleasant aspects. Like I really should do something. No real discussion, no suggestions, just sort of a blanket statement. And, naturally, I think, this pissed me off. And, naturally, I had to say so. I didn't like the way this was heading. I write in my diary, you read it, you read it, you read it, oh, you read it, every day, you're there, on my page, every day, several times a day, late at night, first thing in the morning, awaiting further updates, reading them when they appear, moving on when you've already read them. Then when you write it's all about you. What a bizarre form of correspondence. It made no sense. How could I not finally say something? I had to bring it up, had to ask what he was doing, what did he think this was? Now he says he won't read it again, never visit my diary again, nope, doesn't even want to correspond with me via email, ever, it's over, I called him on his behavior, and he gives up. Can't make it right, would rather quit. Is it wrong to point out that correspondence is between two or more people, it's not a monologue? Here's how I think it should go, and sure, I think I'm right, I see my point completely, but I could be wrong... He reads my entry about my car fucking up. Okay, he wants to tell me how it's going with his book, trying to publish it. So, he writes me a letter, and it goes like this: Dear Joleen, I read about your car - that sucks! I hope you can finally get it taken care of because you know if you keep driving it the alternator will drain the battery. Oh wait, you already know that, well, still, I'd hate for you to break down in traffic! Hey, remember me telling you about my book, well, it's still being rejected, I can't get the thing published for the life of me! Sucks, and I've been really low about it. I hope you and that crazy woman at work can find a way to get along? Did you already ask your supervisor if you could move cubicles? Hey, I heard that such and such company is hiring out here where I live, and they pay great, no degree required! Maybe I could swing by and ask them to consider you - why not send me your resume and I'll pass it along - you could relocate out here, you'd love it, I could help you with your move. Meanwhile, I will let you know how it turns out with my daughter, we're keeping our fingers crossed. Take care, I'll keep reading you, I hope the car thing works out! Your pal... Would that have been too much to expect? Instead, it's all ME, ME, ME, bye bye. I just don't go for that type relationship. When I see it coming I take off. I run the other way, I realize there is enough of me being invisible, every day, I won't have it in my interpersonal relationships. "Relationship" - it's two people, not just one. So, he's gone, supposedly. And part of me is regretful, sorry even, wants to write and say, Oh, don't be like that, why not just compromise? Let's work this out. But, he's already married, he doesn't need me in his life. Maybe he already has enough friends. And an online relationship is barely that, right? Cost of the War in Iraq
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