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Sunday, Oct. 24, 2004 / 9:43 p.m. ~Unsure~ I light candles and leave the room. I forget. I am afraid to be the cause of someone's happiness. I am unstable, I am unsure, I am not unhappy, I don't know how I am. I don't know what to feel, this is different, there are no guidelines. I sat on my sofa, I watched a movie on TV, and I remembered that I'd forgotten that this is my reality, this is what it's like, and none of the rest even happened. I think I dreamed it all. I don't know I can do it, I don't know I can be with someone, it's too foreign a concept for me. There is no fight this time, I just don't know. I loved watching the Zephyr Boys in "Dogtown and ZBoys", the way they rode their skateboards like surfboards, the way they touched the pavement like waves, their long hair blowing in the wind created by their own speed. Little boys turned into athletic gods, defying all that seems natural and accepted. I wish I'd not fallen asleep, but I was clearly tired. I felt so many different emotions last night, and a lasting feeling of comfort, but still I'm so unsure. I know too well the endings, and the middles, and now that we've passed the beginning that's all there is left. I've been alone too long, I don't know how not to be. If I didn't have this refuge, candles burning in the next room, unattended, food to cook, digital cable, my retreat, my sanctuary, my old girl cats, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be more than out of sorts. Gladys' joints click when she walks. She circles me, click, click, click, click. I am overdue for writing letters. Expect responses soon, anyone, everyone, I need to focus to serve them justice. Thank god I don't work tomorrow. I think Mondays should become extinct. Cost of the War in Iraq
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