I'm staring at the equivalent of a blank page. What I'm thinking is that my neck hurts. I'm thinking I've written of so many physical ailments in this diary, perceived and otherwise, that I come across as a whiny hypochondriac.
But the neck thing is new. I turn it because it feels stiff held in one place. It crunches, a satisfying, "Hey, I needed that" sort of crunch. Then I keep doing it and keep doing it, to the point that I wonder if all this crunching can possibly do me any good, or if it can cause irreparable damage.
Now it aches. I forgot to take some pain reliever.
Filling the blank page here.
It's warm, 77 degrees still, after a day of temps near 90. The heat is dry now, and I feel it on my skin, needing lotion throughout the day for my hands, noticing peeling on my face. I think again that I'm not sure I could live in Taos after all.
The dryness is affecting my eyes, and my throat, but this thing with the crunchy neck is disconcerting.
I long to work my body again, to stretch and lift weights and breathe heavily, work up a sweat. Maybe sex would be good for all of that.
Things feel at a bit of a standstill. What needs to be done is getting done. The coworker is pressuring me for social engagements, and I comply, then I insist I can't, I won't, I don't want to. We make plans, we break them, they're tentative, they're firm.
We go to a Fair on Saturday. We hit the Greek Fest in two weeks. In between she'd like to book me solid, but I resist.
In some ways I think I was meant to befriend her, I think she can help me to help myself, to repair my Karma. Together we can help animals, we can volunteer and do some good, I can make amends.
But in other ways I want to run from her. I can't stand anyone demanding my time. I need to be alone. It's all I know. Being with other people, especially people with whom there is no solid connection, people around whom I cannot be myself, is stressful and soul sucking. As much as I crave companionship, to have the wrong sort is draining.
I want long conversations that span a range of topics, that go late into the night, debates, agreements, hysterical fits of laughter and sneering condemnation, hugs at the end of it all.
And I've been thinking of Steve again, wanting to reconnect, again. I forget past mistakes too easily, I want to pick up pieces and put them back together to make a whole picture, and it's the one I posted yesterday, that picture. I want to be there again.
It does no good to long for the past.
Tomorrow is an auspiciously good day for Aries. So it is written. In the words of one Captain Jean-Luc Picard, "Make it so".
