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Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 / 9:51 p.m. ~Lost In Aloneness~ Today I hated everyone. Okay, 'hate' is a strong word. Today everyone annoyed me. No one understood. No one was on my level, no one was flying high with me, no one could see what I saw, no one thought the same thoughts, or even bothered to ponder. Today the man who gets cup after cup of water from the water fountain drove me crazy with the sound of that water pouring in an arc into his little styrofoam cup. And the coworker who listens to talk radio drove me crazy when I realized she really would advocate the obliteration of the entire Middle East... by Americans. My supervisor annoyed me by not understanding my displeasure with the cleaning crew for disturbing my cubicle Feng Shui. I have a set place for things there, and my African Violet decidedly does not belong upside down on my desk. No one felt anything remotely similar to what I feel, no one could relate on any plane of existence, and I buried my head in music. Yesterday it was Moby's "Play" and "18", and today was "18 - B Sides" and "Trainspotting". The latter I listened to twice. Better first thing in the morning than later. I told the coworker, "I am going to listen to loud music now, because I need to get out of here", and so I did. I got lost in paperwork, took turns rolling my eyes to exercise them, looking far away, out the wall of windows to the trees blowing in the breeze beyond, back to the computer, back to the sun and the trees and thinking, there's more to life than this. Nothing changes, it's all still the same, but I told the coworker yesterday, outside of work, I think I'm having another mid life crisis. I've been doing the same things for too long now. The same apartment, the same job, the same cats living with me. And today I even grew tired of them. The cats annoy me, with the constant maintenance, the litter box cleaning, the way the one follows me from room to room, and it's cute at first, sure, but I want to be alone sometimes. Mark these words, I never want her to go away again. Her recent hospitalization was too much for me to handle, and I know I want her to live forever despite the futility of that desire. Sometimes I hate everyone near and dear, I just need to be alone, to get away, I just feel there is no one who can come close to me, I push them all away because no one can possibly feel any of what I feel. Yet I long for one person who can. One person with whom I can connect, one person I don't want to push away. Every morning I want to do all the things I've been putting off, yet every morning I head into work to waste 8 hours of my life in an attempt to make that ever important 'living'. But it's not 'living' at all, it's been a slow death for years. I want to go away, to run away, to leave it all, to change it all drastically, frighteningly, to jump in and not know where I'll land. Fear keeps me grounded. Eviction notices on two of my neighbors' doors keeps me grounded. I know what I must do, so I do it, but I want to be alive instead. I listened to Cat Stevens tonight, in honor of the man who is an activist for his own people, for his own adopted faith, and because his music will always remind me of Steve. And now it's all lost its sweetness, after our attempt at reconcilation years after our love affair. He's so far gone, but I turned on my old PC, the first one I used, and found the pictures of us I'd scanned. Here's the one I like best, circa 1979.  Cost of the War in Iraq
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