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2001-07-26 / 6:37 p.m. ~Boys that make you go "Unnh!"~ You know what I mean, right? "You"? Anyway. I know what I mean. And I use the word "boy" because, well, because I am a sexual predator, or I can be, and I like 'em young. Well, I'm no pedophile, but..... Okay, there's this boy at work, and I can only call him a boy, because, well, he's young, and if I could look at him long enough, in the eye, to determine his age, or screw up the "courage", or whatever, to ask him, then I'd know for sure, but let's just say he's somewhere between 19 and 23, maybe. I know I've written about him here, in this very diary, before, but I will reiterate that there is this boy at work, this young boy, who is really attractive, to me, and when I see him I just get kinda goofy, like I'm suddenly shy, suddenly afraid he'd never like me, and I WANT him to, but I know he is awfully young, and it's his back, his shoulders, the way he walks, his carriage. I tried to explain it to A., and I actually talked to her a bit today, had to, had stuff to say, and I realized that no one talks to me, ever, if I don't talk to them first - am I that scary? - but yeah, I had to point him out, "He's the white boy!", because there really aren't any white guys, well, two, but they don't count. And I'm telling her, A., what it is about him, because she wants to know what he looks like and I can't really describe him, but I end up saying that there is something about him, and it's the way he carries himself, it's the way I feel when I see his shoulders and his back, and I just go, "Unnhh!", and she laughs. And I don't mean to imply that I don't like his front, this guy, but there is something about the broad back and shoulders of a MAN, that is so different from women, one of the reasons I know I'm hetero. I remember once in high school, in the darkroom of my graphic arts class, being with this guy that I knew, and it was his back, from behind, beneath his tshirt, it just made me want to reach out and stroke him, rub my hand along his shoulders, down his spine, across the breadth of his body. So I log on the 'net at home, finally, 'cause I've been at work all day - and this could be a long story, but I didn't deal with my car today. I tried. It was hot. I went to one place at lunch, close to work, and they were all at lunch, no mechanics there, and could I leave it for an hour?, and no! So I didn't come home for lunch, I stayed at work, planned my strategy for tomorrow, take the car to Pep Boys in the morning. I don't know if this is wise, but it will have to do. Logistics are key. Anyway.......right, so I log on at home, just now, and here's my horoscope from astrocenter.com, on my Yahoo Start Page: You could develop a strong infatuation for someone today. The planets are aligning in such a way as to create a powerful energy that will be heightening your feelings of attraction and passion. Maybe you will fall for a beautiful stranger. You might wonder if this person could be your soul mate. Or you could just admire from afar, deciding not to pursue them. It could be a powerful day of emotion and confusion! Given that these feelings are due to a passing aspect, it's best not to make any sudden decisions about this person just now. Hey, I'm not stupid, I know it's lust, I know there's something about his overall countenance that is sending me someplace I know I can't go, but I hardly ever see the guy, and today I did. Today I had to walk behind him as he stood at the time clock about to clock out for lunch, today I walked ever so slowly behind this guy, this guy that makes me go, "Unnnhhhhhhh", and it's like a moan, it's like this sexual sound that is trying to rise to the surface, but I'm pushing it back down, because he's young. Because he works there, over there, not with me in my department, but somewhere else, and I don't know him, and I'm not going to get him, even though I went far with my fantasy of us together. Oh yeah, I could see him naked, I could see the whole thing, us, together, me doing things to him that he maybe hasn't had done before. I seriously wanted this guy. Then I went back to work. Oh, I'm alright. But I find myself looking for him. One day I purposely sought him out, his cubicle, wanted to know where exactly he spends his days. And I came really, really close to asking the gossip queen herself, the receptionist, for the lowdown, or is that the "down-low" (?), on this guy. She will know. Ack. Predator is me, but it's not what I want to be. Oh no, I long to be hunted. I want to be the prey. Like maybe someone like that could seek me out for a change. Hmmmm.....it's all food for thought. Still feeling really isolated, alienated, lonely, at work, better at home where all is cats and books and TV, and music and wonderful joyous life, inside, even better when I can see the clouds up in the sky, and it's beautiful, but too hot, and I can't wait for October, the most beautiful month, maybe next to April or May. Best thing of all, for now, me finding pleasure where I can, is the ousting of either Will or Shannon tonight on "Big Brother 2". This will be television at its voyeuristic, exhibitionistic, 21st century over the top best! Can't wait!!! And the boy at work? I need to be more assertive, I think, find out some info, see just how young he is, see if there is any interest at all on his part. Then we can make babies and live happily ever after. He may be young, but he needs to realize that I am not really too old, I just need to have my ego stroked and I will wake up out of this nightmare I've fallen into. Oh, wait! Speaking of dreams!!! This morning, before my alarm went off, I was dreaming I was shopping at Barnes and Noble with my brother, which is weird all by itself, but Crystal was there, sitting on the floor reading, and she saw me and started reaming me a new asshole complaining about me not returning her calls, etc., really yelling at me. I asked her to take it outside and went that way and got her to come along, I think, but I remember she was wearing shorts and she hadn't shaved her legs! And suddenly I noticed a lot of ugly women with hairy legs, and not just hairy, not real hair, but computer generated kind of hair, really thick, each strand, and from the knees down only, like socks. It was gross! This was truly a mishmash of thoughts swirling around in my head, a combination of my writing and obsessing about body hair in general, my worry about ignoring Crystal, and my brother and his impending birthday, more ignoring on that front, and the movie last night, "Final Fantasy" - watching solid CGI for a couple hours will make you have weird dreams. Cost of the War in Iraq
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