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2001-07-25 / 10:21 p.m. ~Upheaval~ I just got home from my excursion with Robert, but on the way here the "Charge Battery" and "Brake" lights came on simultaneously in my car. Great. There is too much going on, I can't deal with car problems. The last time this happened it was my alternator. I let it go awhile, things kept running, I couldn't figure it out, then nothing, it was dead one day. I thought I needed a new battery, but it was the alternator. That was three years ago. I need a new car, I need a new job, I can't get along with my coworkers, and today I argued with one who admitted she doesn't care. She gave out the wrong phone number and when I pointed it out she said she didn't care. I care. That's the problem. I felt so alienated, more people I can't relate to (stopped short by knocking on my door, which doesn't happen often, but it was weird - here I am writing about upheaval in my life, about how nothing feels right and some nut is looking for someone and bangs on my door at 10:30 on a weeknight) Whatever. This is boring, and now I know this isn't just for me, strangers are reading my diary, forming opinions, adding me to their lists of favorites, or more likely not, and I'm consumed with wondering why, or worrying about an audience, when it's just me, my fucking life, and I have enough angst to match any teenager on here. Right, so I felt really isolated at work, Karen and I argued, our supervisor is an idiot, T. got fired, and we don't know why, nothing feels right. A. and I aren't talking because she snapped at me yesterday, and I just feel so fucking alone. Proximity without intimacy. So I go out with Robert, only our second time seeing each other, not just the phone, or a chat on Yahoo Messenger, but in person, and the movie is good, but hokey, and the animation, if you can call it that, is really unbelievable, and wholly distracting from any "story" there may be. "Final Fantasy" is worth seeing. But I have this migraine, or whatever, because of the withdrawl from echinacea, and that is all I can talk about, and he gives me a hard time, but he's joking, and I like joking with him, and we have fun, but he lets me go when it's over, because this headache comes in waves, and we talk and then he wants a goodbye kiss and I'm kissing this person but I haven't kissed anyone, much less him, in months. And it means nothing. It feels good, but I can't do this. He and I are nothing. Soft lips, physical warmth will not feed me. I am crying out for something far more intangible, and it feels so end of the line I can't stand it. I even tell him it's too late. School, a better job, it's over, I'm 40, and maybe this is what a midlife crisis feels like. Maybe people can think I'm 25, maybe I have to pull out my driver's license to prove my age, but I know where I am, I know what I've lived, I know there is nowhere to go from here. No, I can't move, no, I won't find another job, and I'm not hopeless I'm realistic. This is it. I've already been alive, now's just marking time, under fluorescent lights, in a cubicle, dealing with it all. TV, movies, books, writing, the pleasures outside of there, but that's my life, now. There's nothing more. And intimacy? Closeness? Something with someone? Feeling I can be me, say what I feel? Forget it. Gee, I think I'm depressed. And now my car is fucked up too. I may go down to start it in the morning and find nothing there as well. Nothing. Everywhere, just nothing. Then I can call in and tell D. I can't make it and she can sound pissed because Kathy will be out, and T. got fired, and V. is on sick leave, and how many does that leave? And I'll be glad I have money, at least, to fix the car, but I won't know who to call, how to do it, and will I need a tow? There isn't even anyone to help me, and every single person who complains about his/her life has someone. Everyone has someone. Try having no one. Try having no parents, no family, no friends, no lover, try that. It's not just alone, it's really alone. Just me and the useless balls of fur. Okay, this is fun, I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow, as "they" say, is another day, and it can't get much worse than this piece of shit day was. Anyone still reading this, at this point, you might want to consider reading elsewhere. This is not entertainment, this is my diary, and I'm sorry I lead you to it. Cost of the War in Iraq
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