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2001-07-24 / 7:27 p.m. ~She's no longer with us~ I've been working in the same department, the same job, varied duties, for three years. A small department within a large office, really large, an outsourcing company. Right, a small department, partitioned even, separated from the rest of the suite. (We interrupt this entry to mention that Gladys has brought me a toy, a plastic loop used to secure packages, her toy that she brings, so I must take a little break to rub her head....or something.....) Where was I? Oh yes, small, key word. Tight-knit. Yeah, that's it. The same few gals, plus or minus, take some, leave some, a few hard core holdouts amongst some newer kids. Well, not all kids, but this is the way I talk. Some 50 year olds I call kids. I'm weird like that. These days, currently, there are three of us holdouts, been there 3 years or more, same department, one transfer who's worked on site for 6 (Jesus fucking Christ!) years, and some newer transfers, a temp-to-perm who went perm, one permanent temp (?). Okay, there are nine of us, one supervisor, and a manager. Yeah, yeah, we all know I'm the only Caucasian, but that's 100% irrelevant to this story, which I'm getting to.... End of day, Dept. Manager (M), comes over to gather us, those staying late, the later shift, to tell us, "I just wanted to get you together to let you know that T. is no longer with us", and still, though I know that's how they say it around that place, I always want to giggle, or do a fake gasp, or scream, and say, "NO! T.'s DEAD???!!!!", but I know what she means, and this is a shock, and it's weird, and she tells us she can't say any more. She "can't" say anything more than that. I put on my best poker face and nod and turn back to my magazine in my cubicle, wish for once that the phone would ring on cue. Oh wow, T's "no longer with us"....oh wow, what did she do? Was she fired? Was it that damn snake oil she was starting to peddle to everyone? No, Linda sells Avon, couldn't be that. Was it coming in late today? Half day yesterday? I thought she had carpal tunnel or something, doctors appointments, or, er, something. She just left, a few minutes before, how many, 15, 20 maybe? Truth is, T. and I hardly speak anymore. Something weird happened within her when she didn't get the supervisor job last year, when D. got it instead. T. was pissed, royally fucking pissed, and I didn't blame her, but then she moved cubes, and when I tried to ask why, said, "Maybe it's none of my business, but why are you moving your cubicle?", and she said, "You're right, it IS none of your business", well, we didn't speak after that. She's an Aries, like me, really headstrong, really scary sometimes, like she might bite your head off, or worse, but I know underneath, if she's at all like me, she's soft and vulnerable. So, she's got this snake oil, and I'm happy she's got a project, something about which she can be really passionate, and I gave her all that Aries stuff, did her chart, copied pages from my Astroanalysis book for her, and we were talking, just a bit. But she didn't always come to work, and after her surgery, or no surgery, or whatever, well, we're all told to mind our own business anyway, so we don't ask each other shit. If you don't show up, it's your business, I guess, but I want to know. I'm not allowed to know. I know, why the fuck am I there? Um, this is hard, it's, well, I don't have a college degree, that's one excuse. I don't want a longer commute. I'm spoiled. It's easy, I can goof off, I can read, I get paid, and the money is decent. Whatever. T. is gone, and I don't think she left voluntarily, and we should have all been huddled after that announcement, but we weren't. No one mentioned her name, but me, and that was to A. I said, "No one ever gets fired, it doesn't happen, not in this department especially. Everyone's been here for years, insubordination abounds, dress code violations are argued, we're a tight group. What could she have done?".....then I'm thinking maybe she just walked out. Why can't we know? It was killing me, those last few minutes until time to go, and it killed me that no one seemed to care, that the core group, the originals from the department weren't there, K. was gone for the day, V. is out on sick leave. Wow. On another note: I was thinking more about Derek, and not just about his Wal Mart receipts, but his journal. He had/has an online journal, and it was one of the first I ever read. I wanted one too, wanted to open my life to the internet world, have strangers read my thoughts, my opinions. Now I have one, and he read some of it. Crazy small world, eh? I've included the link to it, his journal, but I confess I've only just clicked on it myself for the first time in months! I need to catch up. Oh, on yet another note, maybe B Flat (hah!): probably first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was, Fuck, I'm so tired, I'm so FUCKING tired, why, why, why?! Second was, I want to stop dreaming, if I could just stop dreaming so much, wait, what did I dream? Third, and most important, oh, I do NOT want to go to the movies with Robert! Wait, it's not 'til tomorrow, but I do NOT want to go, oh, why did I say I'd go, oh no........ Um, right, that's tomorrow, joy. Tomorrow. T.'s "no longer with us". I must find out what happened. Did she leave to sell her snake oil full time? Has she bought land in Tahiti? What will she do? Is she all right? Should I write her some email? No, we hardly talk. Oh, how weird, it will be so weird, and it's so secretive, so strange. But, forget about all that, "Big Brother 2" is on in just a bit, and "Real World" is on tonight, later, and I can forget all about my pitiful life, live vicariously through the idiots who choose to put their lives on my TV!! Whee!!! (Speaking of, last night's "Fear Factor" was wild - I would not eat sheep's eyes, would NOT, even if they were batter fried. What was up with that?) Cost of the War in Iraq
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