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2001-12-11 / 6:52 p.m. ~Caring Is Good - Sam's Club and Kava Kava~ First, I think I want to clarify something, and I could do it via email, but I'm too tired, I don't want to be online all night like last night. Besides, tonight, Tuesday, is usually a good TV night. Anyway, I do consider this a diary, or a journal. It's whatever pops in my mind when I sit down to write, it's whatever is going on, at the time. It's not written to entertain anyone else. I do write as if I am talking to someone, but believe me, I have no one in mind. It's more a universal someone, or more likely, a future someone. I don't even know if it's a man or a woman. So, when I write of my menstruation, it's not to inform or commiserate with women, not at all, it's because I am still, unfortunately, in my childbearing years, and I am always either menstruating, or about to be, or just finishing up, or so it seems. No offense, but really, I don't write anything here for anyone, I don't think.....no, I don't think so. I may think certain people read it, or used to, or will again, but it just flows from me, the words, whatever comes out, whatever I've been thinking about. Today, hah!, it's my period! Sorry, Roadiepig, you should scroll now......so, due to cramps from hell this morning (hey, there are still some things I won't write about, namely: diarrhea and constipation, when they concern me - in my offline diary, yes, here, no) I took some Kava Kava, this herbal supplement Rockstarkat recommended. I'd only tried it once before, also before going to work, and it made me spacey as hell, so I was reluctant, but this morning I was in a lot of pain, so I went for it. Well, I functioned, I was able to talk and work, and move around, but I also felt very high, and this was from one capsule. I took another, finally, around 4:00, and it's just 7:00 now - I feel sort of very relaxed, yes, definitely calm (it's said to promote "calm and well-being", Kava Kava), but still a little crampy. Besides that.....the phones were functioning, so I had to talk a lot today, to strangers, and I was very slow, calm, and even slurred my words first thing this morning. Not too good, but better than grimacing and groaning, I think. So, we had tons of paperwork, just kept processing and processing, and taking calls, and Listerine talked to no one, just hummed all day. She does that when things are bad, I've come to realize. Lulu told me Listerine's job is on the line. I kind of figured that after two incidents of harrassment, but I can't see why they haven't fired her yet, so I figured they never will....but I could be wrong. Tomorrow is V.'s birthday. What is a good nickname for her? I know, Veronica. Okay, Veronica it is. Tomorrow Veronica turns 41. Lulu and I went to Sam's Club, almost right across the street from work, for a cake and some flowers. This was my first visit to Sam's Club, the super warehouse for everything good and wonderful, like Home Depot without the tools, like KMart, but with food, like Wal Mart, but bigger, and with food, and everything is in big sizes, giant sizes, like fucking HUGE, like TWELVE bars of soap to a pack, and a carton of 100 croissants, or it seemed that way, for $4.50, or something insane. I wanted everything. First thing I saw was a rack of leather jackets, and one was a little Harley Davidson biker jacket, black leather, little zippers, just Lilly's size.....for $28. I wanted to get it SO bad, but we were on a mission. I was like a kid in a candy store, "Lulu, look at THAT!", "Wow, they have THOSE here?!", "Hey, should we get some cheesecake?", "Look at what THAT person is buying, look at all the shit in her cart!", etc. I was pointing, and stopping, and starting, and gawking, and looking up at all the shelves going up to the high, high, ceiling, and there were so many people shopping, on a Tuesday, at lunchtime, it was wild! We got a great looking chocolate cake with red roses on it, and got the guy to write "Happy Birthday Veronica", and he gave us free candles, a big "4" and a big "1", for 41. Then we picked out three bundles of flowers, some white mini carnations, some germ...oh, I forge the name, a red flower that looks like a daisy, sort of, but it's red, very beautiful, germata? And some tall flower, sort of weedlike, or wildflowerish, with little yellow-green flowers, I don't know what it was called either, but I wasn't sure of the combination, although Lulu was, and once we got them back to the job, put them in the vase, they looked lovely. Lulu had forgotten her card, so we had to stand in a long line waiting to get her a temporary card, then another line to pay, and then got food from the cafe, yeah, a cafe inside Sam's Club, and sat down to eat, looked at Lulu's watch, and we had to get up and hurry back to work! I ate my club sub at my desk. After Veronica left for the day (she gets off earlier than the rest of us, has different hours), we decorated the hell out of her cubicle, brought in the flowers, put the cake in the fridge, and put up streamers, and Lulu sprinkled shiny confetti EVERYWHERE. It's a mess. But Veronica will love it, and she'll do her dance, we all do the dance down the center aisle, and we'll sing, and cheer, and stuff, and act crazy, and all will be good. I got into a little argument with Rasta today. He left the internet PC after his break, with his email inbox still up and running. For hours. I saw it later when I went to write a letter to Alison, and I told him, thinking he'd freak out, but he went on and on about how it doesn't matter, not at all, it means nothing, and I told him how it does, it's private, anyone could access his personal info, etc. He argued with me, then when I said I didn't want to argue, he insisted we weren't arguing. Just like that Monty Python sketch, but the opposite, or something. It was insane, and I finally said, "Ignorance is bliss", because I think he's stupid, or just ignorant, when it comes to using the web, and he laughed, guffawed, cackled, and I hate it when people do that when arguing. I hate it when my opponent smiles or laughs, but I admit I've done it myself, because it really does piss people off. I was pissed. For a minute or two. That was when I took the second Kava Kava capsule, finished my root beer from the Sam's Cafe, and forgot about it. I never even held it against him. He is Taurus, very stubborn....... Now, I just want to lie down. I am so relaxed, I don't want to worry about the Diaryland Designers Club, or their opinions of me, not any longer. And I don't want to think of Alison, and how she and I will no longer read each other's diaries, how she wrote me a long letter, totally not getting me, not at all, she just doesn't see what happened, and she said she'll never write to me again, and how is that an open line of communication?, and how she has me all wrong.....how everyone has me all wrong....and how at times I feel as though everyone hates me......no, I don't want to think of all of that. Or, of the Christmas card I got in the mail today, from my brother and sister in law, and how I usually send them a card first, so it always feels as if they're responding to me, and how my brother actually wrote on there that he hopes the card finds me healthy, well, and she wrote that she hopes "the kids" and I are well. And I read it and said, No, no you don't. You don't give a fuck the whole year, I'm here all by myself and you have each other, and you send me a card once, because of a Holiday, and you expect me to believe that it shows you care? Nope. It made me angry. And I wondered if it's too late for me to send cards. I should've bought some. But I've looked, and I've not seen boxed sets of cards in stores this year, and I haven't gone to bookstores or gift shops, and it's late, isn't it? And why would they, or anyone else, believe I care because I send a stupid card once a year? Why can't people care all year long? I think I'm borderline depressed. This club of people all misunderstanding me, thinking I've done something horrible and wrong, has taken its toll on me. The fact that I can't explain it, no one wants to hear my side. No one. And why do I care? Anyone would ask why I care. Anyone. And I would say, Because I care. I do care, I care tremendously what people think. Always have, always will. It's not a bad thing, caring is good. Cost of the War in Iraq
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