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2001-12-12 / 1:29 p.m. ~Mini Dresses and Ethnic Cleansing~ Today I am wearing a really short dress. It was Lulu's idea, at the end of the day yesterday, that we should ALL wear mini dresses, or skirts, but um, well, I'm the only one who went this short. I've had a few compliments, but when I look in the mirror I see my face, and I look tired, worn, old, my hair is curly and young, my dress is young, the little sweater I'm wearing over it is young, the shoes are young, but the person inside feels sort of old, today. Veronica is very happy today on her big day, her 41st Birthday, she loves her flowers, her decorations, the love we're showing her. She questioned the cake, I think she really didn't want a cake, but I know we all do! I told her as much! Yeah, I don't hold back, and neither does she. I love that about her. Open, honest, straightforward. She did her dance down the center aisle, Lynn came and sang a sexy version of "Happy Birthday to You", complete with grunts! Yeah, grunts. It was too funny. Listerine sat in her cubicle, head down, no doubt buried in her bible. She has not participated one bit...except to donate a whopping $1 for the cake and flowers. I saw the latest guestbook entries, and it was SO nice for Eva to write in there�I was worried what my "fans" would think, what my "supporters", my "regular readers", my "online friends" would think, especially since I lost Alison/Heavenlyginger. I lost her, and believe it or not, that really hurt. Maybe more than the rest. We both read each other's diaries so regularly, she was so supportive of me, and I of her. I really liked this woman. It's over. Yes, I make enemies, as fast as I open my mouth, put my fingers to a keyboard. And I was thinking on my way home last night that if only someone would love me unconditionally, would see who I am, how I am, and love me anyway�one person, I could be happy. Everyone turns away at some point, pick a mood, any mood, and when Mark didn't, when Mark put up with me all those times I was bitchy and bossy, I wanted to love him as he was falling in love with me, but without the chemistry there could be no romance. I couldn't feel what he wanted me to feel, so we could no longer be friends. That was the only time in recent memory someone did accept me, did love me, in spite of everything I am. Someone else accused me once of sabotaging relationships, and I don't remember who, but I said, Yes, I think you're right. I think I do test people, see if they'll put up with all I have to throw out there, and if they do�well�they're the real McCoy. They're genuine, sincere, they love me for me. It's hard to find. I'm tired. I was online late last night, after writing that I wouldn't be, telling myself I wouldn't be. The more I researched the more disturbing everything became. Quinn has told me she received 4 or 5 emails from "joleen", and I never wrote to her. She says she deleted them, wanted to clear her inbox, and they were "irate" emails, accusing the auction of being rigged, and she wrote back to this "joleen", but it wasn't me, I never heard from her. I'd swear to it�I wanted her to forward these emails to me, to see what was written, but she deleted them. If it was me, and I had a blackout and don't remember, I need to know! So, this is still consuming me, and the latest admission, someone saying, Hey, it was me, I think you're a dumb bitch, etc., but not leaving her name? That's just weird. How do I find out who this person is? I don't want to publicly say, "Starli, give it a rest", if it's not Starli. Anyway. Right. I was up late, online, then got in bed and watched Craig Kilborne, then couldn't sleep still. Must've drifted off after 1:30, or so. And I am feeling it. "Gilmore Girls" was good last night. My favorite line was when Lorelai's ex-husband calls her on her cell phone, while she is auditioning musicians, and she's listening to this woman play a harp, right? So, she answers, and he says, Hey, or whatever, and she says, Hey, or whatever (sorry, can't remember dialogue worth shit), and he hears the harp in the background and, only on a cell phone conversation, says, "Where are you, Heaven?". You know, 'cause when you call someone up on a cell phone you never know where they are�and he heard the harp�and well, it cracked me up! Heaven?!! Funny, funny. Oh, another great "Gilmore Girls" line was in an episode I saw repeated, I think it was last week: Lorelai is talking about her mom, how she doesn't listen, when Rory asks if they'll ever talk about what's gone wrong between them, Lorelai and her mom�Lorelai says that talking to her mom is like her mom hearing, "Blah, blah, blah, Ginger", and that's a fairly obscure reference, but because I caught it I found it most amusing. It refers to a Gary Larson cartoon, "What Dogs Hear", wherein this man is talking to his dog, yelling at her for doing something objectionable, and he says something like, Ginger you are a bad girl, or whatever, but Ginger hears, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, Ginger, blah, blah, blah", etc. I found it on a mug once and bought it for my boyfriend, my old boyfriend, well, he's not old, he's younger than I am, but he is no longer my boyfriend. Sigh� Larson had a cartoon for what cats hear too, and it was just a blank bubble hanging in the air. I didn't appreciate that one. I think cats are generally smarter than dogs. Generally. But I loves me some puppies, yes indeed! Okay, it's almost time for me to go to lunch, I feel weak and shaky (menstruation stuff - it's heavy, heavy today - ick), and I have a pile of paperwork suddenly. I've been joking with Rasta and Lulu about how since it's Hanukkah I shouldn't be having to answer the phones. I'm half Jewish, so I should be taking some time off, or something. It's a joke. They liked it. Funny, funny. Oh, and Lulu was wondering how the Germans knew who the Jews were�I said I think it was their dark hair and eyes, or facial feature, or more. And I wondered how the Serbs could carry out their "ethnic cleansing", how did they know who wasn't one of them, and the United Front, how do they know for sure who's Taliban and who's not, and we agree they don't, they may not care, it's a killing frenzy. Gotta run. Cost of the War in Iraq
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