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Thursday, Jul. 22, 2004 / 6:55 p.m. ~What Must It Be Like, Not To 'Be'?~ (This is something I wrote very early today at work � I can�t even summon the feelings now, nor do I want to � I�m not quite as bad as Woody Allen, yet, but I�m finding that as I age I am more concerned with mortality as a major issue in my life � don�t let anyone tell you aging is fun.) I wonder if everyone has moments of clarity, of vision, of knowledge, moments of realization coming on rather suddenly and frighteningly. I was only thinking how it�s Thursday once again, how the weeks are passing quickly, and at first I thought that it�s nice, that it will be Autumn sooner than we think, and the air will cool, the sky will be bluer. But then I thought how this means time is passing, and what it means that time is passing, how there are things I want to do, and I�m not doing them, time is �getting away from me�, and how this is not good. This was all in the shower, in the space of a few minutes, thinking it�s Thursday, time is passing quickly, this is good, no, this is bad, no, wait, I�m 43, I�m getting old, I�m not doing the things I want to be doing, I�m going to run out of time, time is not endless, this is going to end, there will be an end, it will one day be over, and then what? Where will I be? What is it not to be alive? What can it possibly be like not to exist? (I must pause to say I�ve got Bjork�s �Debut� cranking in my work PC�s CD-ROM drive and I�m listening to her singing �There�s more to life than this�) But the moment, the space of a minute, two maximum, in the shower, reaching to soap all the parts of my body, not missing a cranny, thinking about the time, and hurrying, but suddenly deeply despondent, pained someplace deep inside myself, because I realized I love life and I don�t ever not want to be in it, and I am terrified, totally afraid of what it will be like no longer to �be�. Which had me thinking that I have no faith, and how simple it must be for those who have that (blind) faith in the unknown, and what do I have faith in?, and I thought Astrology, surely, as it�s proven itself to me to be true. I know I can�t possibly explain it adequately, exactly what I felt, and how deeply I felt it, how clear it was, how aware I was in that moment, or those moments, of my own temporary place here, but it flooded me with such sadness and fear I had to immediately let it go, and now I don�t even want to try to get it back. I came to work and heard Veronica telling someone about �God� telling her to do this and that, and I literally put my fingers in my ears and started singing the �La, la, la, la, la� song, popped Bjork in the �D� drive and cranked her. This, is Thursday. Now she sings, �One day, it�ll happen, one day it�ll all make sense�� Life is beautiful, it�s so vast, so full, so detailed, from the smallest atom to the tallest skyscraper, the wonders of medicine to the technology that enables me to write this and place it on a floppy disk to upload online later, the smallest mite, to ants, and cockroaches, my cats, giraffes, hippos, the clouds in the sky, the whales Japan wants to harpoon in the vast ocean that surrounds all the land. The universe, the stars, what is it all, what does it all mean, and where will we be, where will I be, when I�m no longer in it, �here�? Mustn�t worry now. Cost of the War in Iraq
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