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2001-09-13 / 1:25 p.m. ~Forced Mourning~ I managed to find "The Gilmore Girls" on the WB last night, an episode I'd missed, but afterwards I wanted a little more news, especially knowing it was all over the airwaves....switched to C-Span and they were broadcasting the Canadian Broadcasting Company, live. Nice change of pace. Then that show "Screensavers" on Tech TV, another nice shift. Still same subject, but different takes. I fell asleep again, to Dan Rather. When does he sleep? When I got up I couldn't help but turn it all back on, and now it was the surviving families, all holding photos, crying, sobbing, telling stories of their husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, etc., and it was way TOO MUCH for me. Starting to cry, I turned it off. No, I'm through, I want to keep going. I don't want to immerse myself in this. Horrible cramps just beginning, my 'moon time' again, I try the Kava Kava capsules, and they work amazingly, just one. At work, Lulu is jazzed, too much caffeine, too much excitement over this tragedy, like she is deriving some kind of pleasure, or energy from it. She's all over it, more and more details, and she's alarmist as hell. I just want to give her a sedative. Later, the Kava Kava making me very sleepy, and the lack of work making me very bored, I talk to her again, and I shouldn't, we can't agree on any aspect of this, except that it was horrible. I say I want the sports events to go on, I want the major television networks to resume entertainment programming....I realize the teams can't all fly in, but Thrashers were set to play Nashville Saturday and I know they could take their team bus.... She says people want to be with their families right now, so I try to describe the typical Thrashers game, tell her that mom and pop go, and little Susie wears the road jersey, little Timmy the home jersey, it IS a family event. Jesus god. Oh, and "God". She was going on this morning, something about some Psalm or other, reading from the fucking bible, yes, "fucking" bible. I am agnostic, I do not want organized religion thrust at me, I do not want bible study in my workplace. I believe in the division of church and state, it gives me the creeps when Bush quotes from the Bible, I don't care if it is a nice soothing quote to a lot of people...... I'm on a rant. Alright, so I'm telling Lulu that different people grieve in different ways, that I want to keep going, I don't want to continue with this, but it is being forced on me, I am being forced to mourn, and she of course disagrees, and I refer to the four major television networks suspending all entertainment programming, all sporting events being canceled, our life as we knew it is being forcibly suspended and I am pissed. Let CNN handle this, let the evening news cover the stories, interview the appropriate "experts", but do we need all of this 24 hours a day? How much longer? Who decides how much longer we all need to feel this? Don't think me callous. Or do, what the fuck do I care? My great grandmother died when I was 9. Nana's in heaven, mom says. Okay, gone, no more. My sister was murdered when I was 11. I won't see her again. Mom tells me I can go in my room and cry. But why? I will miss her, yes, but she is gone, keep going. My mother died when I was 17, her mother when I was 21, my father when I was 29. Did I stop living? Life goes on. The sun is shining, the weather has cooled, other news is happening. Those people on the 108th floor are gone, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all of it, I hate that it happened, and I trust my government will do all within its power to seek retribution, probably not to my liking, but that's down the road. Can we continue our lives, at all? How long do we wait? A week? Two? Who decides? Why is this being decided by the media? Would it be crass to show "The Amazing Race", or even "Guiding Light" for that matter? Must we switch to the WB or UPN or HBO or go rent movies? Are we supposed to view it all, to listen to it all, as some sort of forced mourning? Would it be wrong to laugh with a sitcom? I know it's on cable, alternative programming, but my beef is with the major media outlets, the ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX. We all grieve in different ways, for different periods, I totally understand, but I don't want people talking about their god to me, I don't want people asking me if the fucking airport is closed, okay? I need space, I need a bit of removal, is that not understandable? I want the entertainment media to entertain me, to take my mind off this, to take me away, I want to go to a hockey game, is this too much to ask? Don't tell me what to feel, how long to feel it, or when to turn away and want to smell the changing seasons, feel the sun on my face, realize we're all still here, we survivors, and we have to keep living. Shutting down our country is not going to help us get over this. It is just emphasizing the overall tragedy. I eventually cried for my sister, years later. I wish she were here, I wish I had her around, you know, an older sister, how great would that be? And my mom? Sure, I wish she were still here. People die. I will die, we all will, we don't know how or why or when. The living have to keep living. Maybe experiencing so much loss in my life, at such an early age, has made me a little hard, maybe just realistic. Even if I were in NYC right now, I would be like that pop throwing the ball for his son to catch in his glove, right there on the street. Hey, son, let's play some catch, whaddya say? He understood. Cost of the War in Iraq
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