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Saturday, May. 22, 2004 / 12:01 a.m. ~Manipulated, Bamboozled, Had~ Ah, live and learn, and never trust anyone, ever, and most especially, listen to this, kids, NEVER TRUST ANYONE ONLINE. Do you hear me, can you read those words? First it was 'Burnoutchick', the woman who wrote the diary that was a complete and total fabrication, the one who communicated with me regarding what she'd written, and kept up her charade throughout, until guilt must have overcome her and she ceased, and she went on to create several more diaries, more identities, and god knows how many she has now. She still drops in here to catch up. Hi, you. And on occasion she would see to it that my stats reflected something odd and annoying, some crazed Google search or just a regular search, something designed to irritate me. I don't understand what happens to people when they get online. It can be a wonderful place, and it can be a freak magnet, this Interweb. Now I find out that someone I once was in regular communication with, a troubled young Englishman, was actually a high school girl. This person created three diaries, possibly four, 'role-playing', 'pretending' to be this gent's brother, and his good friend and ex-lover, whom, WHOM, it so happens COMMITTED SUICIDE. That's right. See how far role-playing can go? I left a note in this dead person's guestbook, wrote an entry about him, or at least included him, I was so touched. I just found this doing an MSN search for me: "I've thought about writing Joleen a letter telling her that I'm St James, Eric and Wes. I feel like maybe she should know. I respect her as a person. And I bet she would be really surprised. I was in high school when I wrote her those letters, that she thought were from a 25-year-old English male drug addict." Yes, I really am surprised. And I feel stupid, and humiliated, and angry, and incredibly disappointed that someone felt the need to play me like that, to respond to my email letters, to receive my online help with page layouts, and to receive my condolences on the loss of a friend, a friend who ended his own life, a friend who NEVER EXISTED. Shall I link to them all so everyone can see? This is the original lie, and the diary of the dead one is gone, it expired just as he did. Oh, sorry, he never existed. This is the real 'St. James', 'Wes' (his brother), and 'Eric' (the one who killed himself, and still lists my diary as a favorite). Look, I think it's great if people want to create fictional characters and write their diaries online, but to carry it over into online relationships, that seems to be crossing a line. And especially to sustain them over time. Are there no morals, no scruples, online? I'm tired, it's late, I feel ill. This is making me want to seriously rewind. Yesterday was my three year anniversary here. It's been a wild ride. This is just the latest. Really, really, if I'm totally honest with myself, I can't regret doing it, all of it, but I can say it's been one of the hugest wastes of my life I've ever experienced. And nothing good has come of it. Not one sustained relationship with a real person. I don't trust anyone here. Any support I've received has been fake and forced. I feel so deceived, betrayed, angry, and yes, hurt. Do I wear my 'Naive Idiot' sign even here? Cost of the War in Iraq
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