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Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2005 / 6:56 p.m. ~My Birthday Suckage~ These are the current symptoms: fatigue, confusion, depression. The confusion is by far the most entertaining. I enjoy discovering it whilst still in the midst of it, putting the dry cat food in the cats' bowls and realizing it looks wrong, it makes noise when it hits the bowls... because I didn't open a can. I always open a can first, scoop some into each bowl, then pour a little dry on top. Sounds trivial? Try doing the same thing every single day, twice a day, then suddenly doing it totally differently, and not on purpose. Yeah, it's like that. There was something else, today at work, but now I can't even remember. Something simple, no doubt, just something I do every day, but I did it all wrong, and I realized it, again, in the midst, and caught myself, or just after, and it's an odd moment, rest assured. I suppose it could be worse. I remember telling 'him' that I'd hate for a woman surgeon, in the throes of her PMS, to operate on me. And he took it to mean some violent attack, went 'round telling anyone who'd listen, four people I know of for a fact, that I am violent, dangerous and to be feared. So much for attempted communication. He had no hope of even trying to understand me, never made an attempt. I referred to confusion, the confusion, the inability to hit the right keys on the computer keyboard, turning the water off before rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, that sort of thing, nothing violent. Not that it matters now, that was merely an aside. Last night I never logged on to my computer, and frankly, I enjoy when that happens. I skip it, I don't miss it, there is no walking by to see if I have email, leaving it on just in case. I lay on the sofa and fell asleep around 7:30, set my alarm to wake up for "Gilmore Girls", saw it was a repeat I'd seen, set the alarm for "Amazing Race", woke up and taped it. That's how tired I was. I said it to the cats, each time I woke up, "I am soooooo tired." I just watched last night's "Amazing Race", and I must say, I really wish I knew someone who watches it, and we could watch it together. Not that I'm not fun by myself, but all my laughter and "Whoo hoo!"s and such would be more fun if I shared the experience with a fan equally involved. (Brief example of confusion: I walked into the kitchen for something a while ago, and the air conditioning was on - the pollen is too much, I'm keeping the windows closed for now - and I felt heat, and immediately thought the heater was on, not the a/c, went to check it out, see if the setting was 'heat' or 'cool', then back into the kitchen to see if hot air was blowing out the vents... it was the oven. I'm heating a pot pie. I had totally forgotten about it. Major confusion.) But, back to "Amazing Race"... the teams were in Botswana, Africa, in a wildlife preserve, or game reserve, not sure which, but they were really digging it (oh, site manager said to me today, "Dig, it's like this...", which I think is so retro and cool), saying, "Oh, look, elephants!", and "Look, babe, giraffes, look how many there are!", and ostriches were running across the road in front of them, and zebras alongside, "ZEBRAS!!! *squeal*!!", and it was just so cute. They were all so happy to be there. And the husband of the African American team is first generation American, his father being from Nigeria, so he carried things on his head on one of the 'detours', so proud of himself, saying he was channeling his African roots, that he'd seen his father's people do the same thing in their village, carry things on their heads for transport, water, food, and such. He was so psyched to be in Africa, and everyone was having so much fun, well, except the former Iraqi POW guy and his 'beauty queen' - they're becoming the requisite 'bickering couple', but they're mild compared to the last installment, with that horrible man who constantly derided his wife. That was awful horrible. The brothers were the only team left that wasn't a couple, and they didn't make it in time. It was actually really a sad thing to see them go, it's always hard to watch these people lose, but I liked them a lot. The gay couple is very funny, though, they are also having a great time, and they crack a lot of gay jokes ("How many gay men does it take to milk a goat?", etc.), so it's just fun to watch. And Rob and Amber, winners from "Survivor", are both so incredibly even tempered, so mild mannered, except for Rob's cutthroat tactics. I envy their relationship so much. How great would it be to be them, either one of them? They have won so much, already, and they keep coming in first, winning more things, trips to different countries, etc., and they are having so much fun, and they have each other. It's fun to watch, it is. I love that show, it's my total escape from reality, and yet it's 'reality TV'. I think it's just the ultimate thrill ride, a race around the world to win a million dollars, with the one you love. What could be better? Anyway, my pot pie is done. This is my birthday dinner. Yes, yes, it's my birthday, and I have pitied myself so much today, it's hardly worth continuing. I did buy some carrot cake slices and some mint chocolate cookie ice cream at Publix after work, for later, so I guess that's good enough, but I wanted someone to whisk me off to a nice dinner, surprise me, take care of me, treat me like I'm special, just for this one day. Not gonna happen. My supervisor at work kept handing me piles of work to do today, "I want you to do these when you finish that", etc., and finally I said, all whiny, "It's my birthday!", and she said, "I know." No cake, no balloons, no card, no nothing at work, but an email from the department manager who told me I don't look over 35, and one from the site manager, along with a virtual chocolate cake. Gee, thanks. My supervisor never even said, "Happy Birthday" 'til she was on her way out the door. I was depressed and miserable the entire day, while my car sat in the shop across the street, hopefully being readied for a second emissions test, and I couldn't go out to lunch, and so I ate a cereal bar and fig newtons all day, that's it, and I sat in my cubicle for lunch, and worked. Off the clock. It was horrible, I felt so alone, so pitiful, and so sad, depressed, miserable, etc. I mean I'm losing my job, I have no prospects, right now I am more broke than I have been in years, it's so bad I cannot believe how little money is in my checking account, and I had to buy gas this morning, and it's getting like "Road Warrior", isn't it? We'll be fighting for it soon. Stealing it. My brother called me at work, and that was totally weird, totally. I enjoyed listening to him tell me about his life, and his wife's job, and we chatted, it was okay, but I don't know, I just don't know, we stopped talking years ago, years. I feel like there was more to note, but "Amazing Race" on tape has been the high point so far this day. The car repairs were relatively cheap too, $68 I had to charge because I have no money, and I will try another emissions test, maybe tomorrow, and if I fail that one, fuck it. I have no clue. "Amazing Race" tonight too, a look back on the season so far, with special unseen footage, a ripoff usually, but I am so loving this installment, these teams, I'll watch. Pot pie, carrot cake, ice cream, and fall asleep on the sofa. Maybe I'll take me out for dinner and a movie this weekend. And my brother invited me to lunch for Sunday, and I didn't answer. He also asked me, "So, are you married, kids, boyfriend, girlfriend?" - funny guy, huh? Cost of the War in Iraq
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