|
Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2003 / 1:26 p.m. ~Impressed~ I'm impressed I'm functioning. There was a time, when people told me I was strong, and I didn't really see it, I simply kept going in the face of adversity. What choice do we have? I made a decision about my future last night, a sort of long term goal, but clearly defined by time limits, which are unknown, but there is a certain figure of the ballpark variety, and it's awfully sad and private, but I think necessary. And really the only clear alternative, or choice. It makes the most sense. And, like all decisions, it is totally and utterly and completely and ultimately open to change. I never thought I was someone who sought validation through others, and their opinions of me, never thought I was a person who depended on stroking and coddling, support of any kind, but when any and all of that is absent, in its sincerest form, and what is left is derision and criticism, negative reinforcement in its highest and most debase form, this is the result. I'm crushed, and seemingly against my own will, which is not like me at all, but then again, it is exactly how I am. After reading Sariane's amateur psychological assessment of me the other night, which was accurate in many ways, but so condescendingly written it lost all meaning for me, I read in my handy Astro Analysis for Aries book about my character depending on planet positions at the exact time of my birth, and I'm astrologically agnostic as well as deity agnostic, though not well put, I know what I mean, but the words therein were so dead on, so eerily accurate, it was, well, eerie. I wanted to quote all the underlined portions here, but I'm not finding it that necessary for documentation purposes, I only feel that there is some understanding there, and I have some understanding of who I am, and why, not really having a true faith in that particular 'why', but at least a calming explanation that serves to soothe. I can read it and say to myself, "Yes, definitely, I know that's how I am, that is me exactly, how can that be?, but it is true, and in this truth I know myself, but somehow no one, not one person, sadly and painfully enough, has ever seen it too". I'm incredibly complex, not so easy to pin down, and that is where Sariane's analysis failed. The amateur may look at one or two writings, a comment left behind, and form opinions based thusly, but an entire human being is made up of so much more, so many more influences, and there are the external influences to be considered as well. I doubt she knows my past, my family, my upbringing and all the tragedy which occurred to alter our lives completely. As an example of my fickle behavior, I will quote, for documentation purposes, specific points from the book which outlines the whys and hows of me, later. I feel compelled to assemble a defense. That's how struck I am. That's the effect. And she has no idea. None at all. She wrote it, she left it behind, and she's not the first, won't be the last. No, I'm no victim, I beg for it all. I'm the neurotic, psychotic, misanthropic hermit-like sociopath. It's nothing new. And my desire to defend, or at least explain myself to me, is paramount, as always, at least in the first few days following, the days prior to the emotional rebound. It comes, now more slowly than in the past, but we can wait for it, time it if we like. Really though, I'm impressed I'm functioning. I can still do most of the things I need to do. Very little is omitted, in spite of a rather severe depressive episode. It was coming anyway, it was already here, but she had no idea the effect that entry would have on me. I think she should know, but I would never seek to contact her, she has her opinions to leave for her following to lap up like so much gravy. I won't interfere in that. And I am superior, in that I am following along on this very high road. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |