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Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 / 11:47 p.m. ~Filling the Empty Space~ What to write when faced with a blank page? What you know, what's surrounding you. Me? Warm, wearing a big, bulky sweater, rolled cuffs in the way, cumbersome. Tongue feeling tooth surfaces. I want to brush my teeth, and I look forward to getting them cleaned next week. I'll take a long lunch, hopefully no more than one extra hour, and the hygienist will ask me how I am, sincerely like she does, like she really wants to know, and she'll ask how my brother is, and I'll tell her I still have not spoken to him. Years, I'll tell her, and no, we won't be together for the 'holidays', and she'll shake her head, maybe cock it to one side, maybe arch her brows, and that will be all I'll see above her face mask. I want that spot between the two lower front teeth cleaned, the part that never comes out even with flossing, that hard tartar, calculus I think they call it. I drank two glasses of Merlot, and it calmed me, made my heart stop pounding like it does lately. It happened after I ate lunch today, and I thought of 'metabolism', for it felt as if it were accelerated, as if something has shifted and I've sped up. The heart beats too fast, and I needed to relax. The wine helped, and it tasted buttery and smooth, warmed me inside. I changed my sheets, put soft flannel on the bed, and the cats ate well and played with an electrical plug cover they found on the bed, fresh from my new bed lamp. We waited to have the television on, we listened to music, the same CD twice, and I washed dishes and danced in the kitchen, the living room, and I talked to myself, out loud, went over some things that needed going over. Came to some decisions, and felt good about them. I had to. I had to come up for air. I hear Clark Gable on the TV now, an old movie in black and white, and it's comforting. There is another time, another place in my living room, and I can pretend all is safe and good and simple. A pause to yawn deeply, an acceptance of the end of this day, and thinking of the bed that waits, the days ahead, farther, a future, and time that stands still for no one. It's not so bad as it seems, ever. I survive. Cost of the War in Iraq
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