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2001-10-19 / 1:27 p.m. ~I'm Okay~ I'm okay. This is what I'm telling myself. I'm okay. It's okay. I'm okay. I called up H., casually, from here, at work, 10:00ish, very casual, sort of a "Hey, H., it's me, Joleen, are you going to the Scottish Highland thing this weekend? Wanna go to a hockey game with me some time? How are you? How's Lil? S.? How are things? How was S.'s interview?", stuff like that. Nothing serious, just wanted to say hi, like we do, she and I, catch up, touch base, tag, you're it. S. answered. Oh, you're not working? How was the interview, how did it go? "Oh, I got it." Skip a beat here. Skip another one. Wait, one more. Oh, so you're moving to Utah? "Yeah." Like I asked if he's going to have another yard sale or something. Too casual, far too casual. When? "November." Oh. So, you're moving. My best friend, my only remaining close friend, and her husband, also included in that category, are leaving, moving across the country, and they didn't even tell me. Must have slipped their minds. Must have slipped their minds. I should have seen this coming, I should have known, they've wanted to leave for a long time now, they don't want to be here. Her mom is there, in Utah, it will be easier to be there, the weather is nicer, there are less people, there is less traffic. H. will stay and sell the house, I guess, S. says 'til April or so. Maybe she would have told me soon, maybe soon. She is staying, after all, for a bit. He joked that it's only him leaving, no one will miss him, but to me it's the same thing. For some reason, it feels the same. I keep choking up, tears starting to form in my eyes, my nose running, but I'm at work, I'm in my fucking cubicle and this sort of emotion is highly inappropriate. All I can think is I want to get wasted. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to take drugs, I want to get so altered I no longer have a brain, emotions to feel. It's hard to be friends with a couple. There are two of them, they rely on each other, they are a self-contained unit, with a child too, an actual family. I remember how that is. I remember having a built in best friend/lover/confidante. Outside friends are extraneous in that situation. They find out the information last, that's the nature of the relationship. It's natural. I'm okay. I'll be alright. Okay to go, I'm good. It's early in this day, too early to be feeling all this. I wish I'd never called. She was in the shower, he asks if I want her to call me back - "No, no, that's okay, I'll talk to her later." Why would she tell me? It's her business, not mine. Apparently, I am not my best friend's best friend. Whew. Harsh reality, slap in the face, but I knew, I knew, how can I pretend now I didn't know? It's all clear. I'm okay. Cost of the War in Iraq
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