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2001-10-19 / 7:32 p.m. ~On Being a "Mistake", and Other Musings~ I just read in Hoebag9's diary that she was a "mistake". An unplanned pregnancy, wasn't supposed to happen. Me too. My parents had the perfect family, the boy, the girl, a year apart, all was well, then four years later the Rhythm Method wasn't very rhythmic. A mistake, an unplanned pregnancy, wasn't supposed to happen, me. Not that I wasn't loved, for I believe my parents did love me, they loved all three of us, equally, and I was the baby, so I was spoiled. But at some point it came out, it was talked about, jokingly in fact, Yes, the Rhythm Method doesn't work, that's how you got here honey! But we love you! Oh, so you were using some form of birth control? What's a rhythm method? It sounded so mysterious. It all came down to miscalculation. But here I am. Knowing that I was not necessarily a "mistake", no, my parents weren't like Hoebag9's parents, not at all. But I was accidental, and that knowledge has a tendency to make one question one's existence a bit more than usual, one's purpose, if you will. I think there was something said about this very topic in the movie "Before Sunrise", the Ethan Hawke/Julie Delpy "talkfest". I loved that movie really, I need to see it again. So I read this in Hoebag9's diary just now, and I thought yeah, me too, I can relate, sort of, not as much, but yeah, I grew up knowing it, it was more a joke in my family than in yours, I was loved, but I knew I was never supposed to be here. I was the late addition. Dear Diary, Today sucked. Oh, should that have come at the beginning? I took another chance, another risk, telling someone something I shouldn't have, I was open, I was honest, I was exposed, but it was stupid, a huge mistake. Sometimes I think I should learn from these mistakes, despite reading my astrological makeup which says I'm doomed to repeat them. It's all in my chart. I'll never meet the "right person", there is no match, like in my dream the other night, I know this. Yet I am this insanely positive person, I try again and again, I am determined, I am risky, foolish, headstrong. How can I change? Do I even want to? No. I have pursued men before, it won't be the last time. It happens from time to time, and it never gets me anywhere. Well...the one time it got me 6 years, the "long term relationship", but in the long run, the long term was a learning experience, but outrageously painful. When men pursue me it's always the wrong men. It's always men I have no interest in. I see one I want, take a chance, and invariably I am shot down. It should get easier in my old age, but it doesn't. Lulu and I are not talking. Not since she decided she didn't want to hear the headlines from my mouth. She spent yesterday ignoring me, she was in a bad mood too, overwhelmed, depressed maybe, but today it was me, today I didn't even look at her, not all day, not one word, not one. And she is the one I talk to, so it was very strange. She whispers to the temp, who now sits behind her, all day. Then she talks loudly to anyone who will listen, she grates on my nerves, I hate the sound of her voice. I listen to my Walkman, anything to not have to hear her. H. and S. and baby Lilly are moving to Utah, and saw fit to not let me know. Maybe they would have, one day. So, all in all, today just sucked, all the way around. Oh, and after lunch, I went back to work, without my glasses. So it was REALLY hard to look at that damned VDT the rest of the day. I read as much of my EW as I could, looked away as much as I could, but reading, the VDT, etc., it began to hurt after a while. I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later - I am really becoming totally dependent on these glasses, for someone with 20/30 vision. No, I don't NEED them, but I have slight astigmatism, and they help a lot, for closeup work, for distances, either one. I've only had them since March, or was it April? Yeah, today sucked. And I'm not at the hockey game. I talked myself out of going. It just started, in fact, I hear it in the living room on the TV. I couldn't bring myself to go to a game on a Friday night, see all the couples, all the friends, families, and then me. Me. Alone. As much as I love my team, want to support them, tonight....I just couldn't do it. And my favorite club? The tribute to the previous owner, the one who died of cancer, in his early thirties, the tall Chinese Swede? I don't think I can go. I can't be around anyone right now. I am low, low, low. I've been reading my favorite diaries too, as I always do, and yesterday and today it seems I'm not the only one feeling this way. Maybe it's going around. And it's not anthrax, I'll say it again. I heard tonight on the news about the fear that's paralyzing people, that it's not the anthrax, but fear we need to fear. Fear the fear. I'm not afraid though. I don't give a fuck, outside of the fact that it's all very interesting, and I'm intensely curious to know who is responsible. I can't believe they had a way to trace which mailbox those letters were dropped into to be mailed. How in the hell? Fascinating! In a "CSI" kind of way. I'm going to watch the game now, and see if I can't drag myself out later. If I were going to the club I'd not leave until after midnight probably - another reason I seldom go there anymore...I'm old, it's hard to get up and out at that hour...again....alone. Alone. I won't even ask why I'm alone here, at this portion of the whiny diary entry. I know why. "Does not play well with others". Nope. I am a misanthrope. Give me animals, the elderly and two year olds. Other than that, forget it. Well, maybe three year olds, okay, KIDS. I love animals, kids and the elderly. Know why? Innocence. Purity. Everyone else has a hidden agenda. Cost of the War in Iraq
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