|
Monday, Feb. 21, 2005 / 6:15 p.m. ~Totally Scattered Backtracking, Admissions, Confessions, My Car, and a Tornado~ I wonder if it's possible to sue the writers of daily horoscopes. Maybe not if Bush has his way, huh? Oh, that reminds me, CBS ran a story a few nights ago about how Bush is aiding corporate America with his plans to make it harder for people to file personal bankruptcies, and lawsuits. Or something. I have no head for the details, but let's just say we're getting closer and closer to the Republican agenda, which is what the Republicans want, and that is to cut all social aid. In other words, if you need help, don't look to your government. Not sure how I got off on that tangent. I need my glasses to do this... Ah, better. Well, the mechanic sent me home in my car, and I stopped by the store, totally forgetting it was Italian Fest night, and so it was I sampled some Italian sausage and peppers and onions, some pepperoni pizza, salad, and a rolled sandwich on some good Italian bread with assorted Italian cold cuts, and yeah, nice. I actually feel like I've eaten. I only went because I desperately needed litter, or the cats desperately needed litter. Either way, glad I went. The car is no longer making that horrible noise like the entire front end is going to detach from the car, but parts had to be ordered to put in new suspension, and that won't be done until Friday. New suspension, hah! I've needed that done since, what, maybe since the early '90s? Back when my brother used to lean on the front of the car and push it up and down and say, "Hey, when you gonna get this fixed?", and I would say, "Hey, if you're not gonna fix it for me, just shut up and leave me alone about it." So defiant, for no reason. Speaking of defiant, I'll grant him this, no, not my brother, the other him, it's possible I have him all wrong, and it's possible I can't interpret him correctly because he's not making any effort to tell me much of anything. And that is why I said it's over, because it's easier for me to say it's over than to keep hoping and hoping and loving, yes, loving him. I don't know what the future will bring, and my goddamned horoscope tells me now is a stellar time for love, that love is all over my chart, but I don't feel it. I want to, I could really use it, I mean I could really use all of it, love, hugs, kisses, anything, but all I get is, "You don't get me", and then nothing further. And that's not even a direct quote. Tell me. Spell it out. S-P-E-L-L it out for me because I am horrible, nay, HORRIBLE at reading between lines. I'll never forget the ex telling me all I needed was to look in his eyes to know how he felt about me, on our first real 'date'. Fancy restaurant, quiet, romantic, and those big brown eyes of his looking into mine, and I was thinking, okay, um, you LOVE me? You're in LOVE with me? I can't tell, can't you just TELL me how you feel? But you see, that was years ago, and I'm old and tired now, and I have such a hard time guessing, and when I put it all on the table, and tell someone exactly how I feel and I get a whole lot of nothing in return, well, what am I to think, that it means he feels nothing of the sort. That's only natural. I have my car though. I can drive to work, and home, and I think I'd better skip coming home for lunch, and then on Friday morning I'll take it back in, and I'll put another few hundred dollars on the only charge card I have. Charge it! I still have to pay off last month's brake job, but I have money in the bank. I'm good. I also finished my resume, thought it looked just fine, and the HR Manager had a look and thought it needed this and that and less of this and more of that, and so I re-wrote, and now I need to re-write again, and she focused on me finding what I really want to do, what kind of job I REALLY want, and she got me kind of fired up, sort of actually kind of excited, and then I was exhausted because I can't eat too well anymore, and because the damned rain woke me up all night, because I knew I'd need to call the mechanic to tell him to watch out when he gets in the car this morning because the seat will be all wet because the sun roof leaks. And then Gladys woke me up all night too, and I kept turning on the light and looking at the clock, and it was only 2:30, then 3:00, then 4:00, and etc., ALL NIGHT LONG, and then I had to get up early because I'd ordered a cab, and then the cabbie got here early, and I ran down to tell him he was early, and then I ran back up, and, well, this after lying on the sofa with cramps all weekend, and being depressed and miserable, and lovesick and heartbroken, and watching "Alfie", the original, and god what a depressing movie, and one might call me 'out of shape'. And all day I sat in my cube by the phone waiting for the mechanic to call me, and he did, a few times, and I got all his calls, I was right there, and he was funny the way he'd say, "This is (the mechanic's name), I have your car...", yeah, duh, you have my car alright, oh, I know you have my car. I called him 'flaky' when talking to my coworker who recommended him, and he said, "Yeah, he's eccentric". Oops. Earlier it was sunny, with big puffy clouds, and then the sky turned pink, and now the news is non-stop "OH MY GOD, THERE IS GOING TO BE A TORNADO ANY SECOND, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!", and I think I may be hearing a siren, maybe that's what that is, a tornado siren. But with the news on, and the one in the background there, well, I'm not so sure. Perhaps it's something else? Tornadoes in February? No, I can't figure what that is. Scattered? Yes. Very. Understatement extraordinaire. No, that's definitely a tornado siren, people. Right, so that's about it. I am exhausted, it has been a very traumatic and trying day, and I am home, and I am considering ordering in some Chinese food, some Curry Tofu I like so much, even if I have to wait for the delivery guy to drive through a tornado on his way. Maybe that's wrong of me, to expect that of someone? I'll tip him well though. About the 'it's over' thing? Um, I can't take that back, I can't clarify it, I can say that no one seems to want me to be with this gent, and I can never tell if he wants to be with me, and I know no one thinks he's good for me, and no one thinks I'm good for him, but I know that all I wrote to him, my whole confession of feelings was one million percent nothing but totally the truth, and it was hard to lay it all out, and the response did crush me, and I don't know how to interpret things, and I am fragile, dammit, do you hear me, I am sensitive and fragile, and if more people realized that, maybe they would be more reluctant to be mean to me, to hurt me. Poor poor pitiful me. I am going to order some food and watch this tornado now. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |