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Sunday, Jun. 02, 2002 / 10:43 p.m. ~It Was Good and it Was Bad and Now it's All Over~ It's been a really long weekend. It started Thursday night and it's been going ever since. It's been up and down, extremely high and extremely low. Strange things have happened, I've met people who touched me deeply, and I had an unpleasant talk with Jon on the phone......... on his cell phone....... as he was driving through Alabama on his way home from a wedding in Mississippi. Just as we were talking about things important, he was tired. Oh yes, he was too tired. I've just written him the most emotion filled letter yet. No, I had no desire to stop myself from writing it. As I proofread, and checked for content, wondering if I was saying what I wanted to say, and should I be doing this, I realized I have nothing to lose, I really don't care anymore. I hate who I am. Right now I don't see why anyone would want to know me, and that's fine. I never want to talk to anyone again. I want to go to my little job, that I hate so much, read my magazines in my cube, go to the store to buy my milk and bread, come home and watch my TV, sit with my cats, and pretend I never met anyone that day at that party. The woman who did my first tattoo at the Convention was in the middle of tattooing a guy's arm this afternoon when she got a phone call from her brother to let her know their sister had just committed suicide. She got up and left the room. But she came back shortly and finished the tattoo. Professional. What else could she do? She blew me away last night with her story of dying after a car accident, the image she saw, what "it" told her she had to come back to do, and the aftermath. It was riveting, she held me with her eyes and I listened, hanging on every word like she was some sage, guru, mystic, Buddha. "She", the teacher. Of all she knows. I'm so touched. Amidst rejection from this someone new. How can I feel all of this at the same time? Why does it all have to be balanced at once? Why can't the high last a while before the low hits? I'm not sure what to do with all I'm feeling right now, and I pity Jon for having to read that email whenever he gets back to work. Tuesday, I'm guessing. I'm too emotional for a Sunday night. I'm suddenly so sensitive to everything around me, every word I hear, every look on every face all day. Like a giant receptacle for the energy of the cosmos. Far too much. And I have lots of fresh ink. The big one on my leg finally has stopped hurting. I think the inflammation has died down considerably. It has a lot of color in it, so that's no doubt the cause for the irritation. Maybe it's nice to know that I can write a potentially regrettable email letter to someone, taking comfort knowing that he won't even read it for a while. Enough time for me to try to forget I sent it, forget I asked him not to respond at all. So many details it's best if I leave out altogether. I spent three days at the Tattoo Convention, I got tattooed, I spent a lot of money, I have memories. Experiences. Meetings I'll never forget. Now I must rest. Find some way to recuperate. Amidst the normalcy, going back to work and being what I was. Crawling back into the everyday hell that was my life before all of this. All of this good, all of this hope and excitement. It's all over now. Cost of the War in Iraq
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