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Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 / 8:29 p.m. ~Another Mom Photo~ Diaryland is being a bit of a wanker this eve, so we'll see if I can get through a post (making mental note to 'control + c' before trying clicking on 'done!'). My right hand is cold. Go figure. This means I spend too much time with it perched above my mouse. I've caught up on diaries, and learned of so much I missed. My god, so much loss, one of you has experienced so much animal death in the past few months, I don't know how you hold it together. And the ironic thing is today at work the Site Manager came by to chit chat just a bit, saw a page of a Humane Society calendar I have taped to my cube wall, a photo of a dog I affectionately call "Bud" or "Buddy", probably because I want a dog, and I want to call him "Buddy", but this is a really great looking dog, just a dog's dog, you know?, and he, the Site Manager, got in real close, was all up in my cube, and I said, "Isn't that a great looking dog? Don't you just want him?!", and he said, "No, I don't want him, no, I don't want a dog, I don't believe in the concept of pets", and I said, "They're companions, you know, companions", and he told me he had a turtle when he was a boy and the turtle died... Ah, so I say, "It's the mortality issue, you can't deal with the death", and he agreed and walked away, not because of the subject, but because he just walks away when he's through, and he usually keeps talking on the way to wherever he's going. He can't handle the death, or doesn't care to, he loves too much, he will never forget his turtle, and here Pam has had nothing but. It's so sad. Made me think of when I saw Steve dead on the floor after the concert, but I can't write it, not even now. It's been 17 years almost, that's a long, long time, but I start to remember it, I start to see it, and I start to lose it, I get all primal and fall into a deep dark pit, it was the worst experience of my life. With all the death, all the loss, that was the worst because I saw it. I saw him dead. He just didn't move. And I saw the dogs, and I saw the blood on the walls, and it was all a whir, and I ran up the steps and I collapsed on my knees and I howled, I screamed, I cried for hours and hours and hours and hours, and if David hadn't been there... well... if it weren't for David and his damned dogs, it wouldn't have happened. But he comforted me and he held me, and hey, forget this topic, okay? Nurminen and Gladysinen are never going to die. Yes, their names are cleverly disguised there. Usually I call Norm anything but her real name. I am all about the nicknames. What else? The mundane aspects of the day? I think not. I'm better, I'm stronger. I shopped. I finally bought cat litter and filled up the box - it was so low it's a wonder they were able to cover anything. Poor girls. And I am insane about the scooping, so it was all just so damned scooped out, nothing there. But now? An indoor cat's paradise. Sort of. Ate cheddar popcorn, and yum and stuff. Majorly foggy in the out of doors. They sent us home early at work. Oops, wasn't going to talk work. Um, no, I just can't do a normal entry anymore. Here, I scanned the photo of my mom with the thugs, circa 1946ish, so, better or worse, here you go:  Look what bruisers these guys are. And she's got her requisite shotglass of whiskey and cigarette, looking away from the camera, as usual. She liked to get into trouble as much as I still do. Thanks, mom, I inherited your wild streak. Whee! Speaking of, my horoscope for tomorrow is just wicked crazy. Well, I read the one at Cainer.com, and I read the one at Tarot.com (I paid for a personalized detailed yearly 'scope there even), but the one at Yahoo, also personalized, but not paid for, is the most fun. Shall I quote? Surely: "Your passion and desires will be very intense, almost extreme. This could mean that you emotionally overreact when someone triggers a soar spot. Your sexuality and your creativity will be especially high on a day like this, and you will enjoy everything that has to do with action. This is definitely not a day to stay home! So, go out and have fun!" Wheeeeee!!!! (yeah, they misspelled 'sore') Also, I'm supposed to have intense disturbing dreams, and I should write them down. Will do. Anyone else not like the way at the Golden Globes all the speeches are heavily influenced by all the alcohol consumed during the long evening? Way too much alcohol, considering. I'm tired, I want to eat more food, which is good, yay, I want to eat! Although I was enjoying my nice flat tum for a while. Oh, oh, oh, the look on his face when we had the light turned back on, when he was standing up on his way to the bathroom, and I lay naked on the bed, he looked and saw my tattoo there on my belly, and oh, the look. Priceless. My god, but we had fun. Keep thinking about it, it's excellent to think about. Never see him again, but this one is fun to think about, this one doesn't hurt, this one was so much pure pleasure, no pain at all. Mmmmmm... Cost of the War in Iraq
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