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Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 / 10:12 p.m. ~Room Temp Is Still Cold~ I'm letting my fruit juice warm to room temp, such as it is, 'warmer' than the fridge anyway, and my fruit salad from Publix too. I'm cozy in t-shirt under sweatshirt, flannel pants, wool socks, the thought of anything cold down the gullet is enough to lower my body temperature all on its own. I shy away from politics lately. I barely skim the antiwar articles. And hearing six more soldiers died in Iraq, and two CNN workers, well, it's like hearing the midwest is getting more snow, isn't it? It's commonplace. The project we've been continuing at work, despite moving our things to new cubicles, working in the new department, having meetings with our new supervisors, is growing, apparently, expanding, changing, and tomorrow our old Manager (M) meets with Kukla and I to discuss. To inform of procedures. I asked when we'll be finished, when will it end, it can't go on forever... can it? But the programmer came by, to check the program I use for inquiries, and there the beans were spilled. Oh no, say I. Oh no. A new 'teammate' asked how I like it, and how can I respond? My 'new job'? Uh, right, okay, what were you saying? Beautiful sunset, yes? What what? I'm numb. I'm going with this flow, the only one I can flow with and on, I just flow, as it flows, and we flow. Together. I have no opinion. But I've already called in sick, but we know I was not, and I already screwed up on the punching thing, today, first time ever I do believe. On the clock thing. Fuck. I feel like this is not meant to be. The Friendster man and I play phone tag, email tag, and now we're both 'it'. I sincerely feel like giving up. Somewhere along the way he was not as available as he seemed, and/or I said something he deemed 'wrong', and so much is obviously not being said, by him, and I don't want to play anymore. I'm tired already. I saw a commercial for a cruise ship, all the couples dancing on deck, swimming in the pool on board, frollicking on shore, holding on to each other in little tide pools, in warm natural tubs of water, surrounded by rocks and blue skies, and I thought how much I don't want that. I don't want to be half of a couple. I never did. I always felt uncomfortable in 'relationships'. I think my recent desires have been misdirected. I think I desire to figure out where I go next, but I wanted a distraction, I didn't want to face myself, so I turned outward, hoping to catch a glimpse of my reflection instead. This is how I feel today anyway. Tomorrow it could all change, and it most likely will. I'm thinking I may go to the hockey game... Cost of the War in Iraq
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