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Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 / 9:08 p.m. ~Birthday, Good Day~ Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away. Wait, now that's a song, that's what came to mind, in another version, version 1.0, but that, that rings true. Last night, the dinner, the movie, the longing, the masturbation, the pre-birthday festivities, all of it, and the longing, but the purging of it, of him, (does he read this to see, to find out what I think today, every day?), it all seems so far away. Horrible sentence structure, per usual, way too much slang I make up as I go along, but yes, and oh yes too, gone, gone, gone. Today I woke earlier than the norm, the hours have changed, and I'm not here to bitch about the EDT, I love it, I lurve it, I love the light, the day longer than before, I want day to last all day, and then night to last days more. But my work hours have changed, everyone's hours have changed, at work, and I am starting slowly, 8:30 this week, maybe 8:00 by next week, or the next. This is new to me, I have a note to remind me, I fear I'll forget. No sleep, but little sleep, waking thinking I cannot, I cannot do this, but I do, as I always do. And today was the big day, I am older now, it's official, this is the day, but I was born, I am here, celebrate me, honor me, and if you won't, I will. So, no decorated cubicle, but she tells me in hushed tones, "I have to tell you something, and I wasn't sure how to handle it, I didn't know what you'd want me to do..." What, what, what?!?!?!?!? "I didn't know if I should decorate your cubicle or not, I don't really know you, and I didn't know if you'd like it, and I don't like it, but I had everything out, I had it out on your desk and then I wasn't sure, and I thought if you'd been here yesterday I could just ask you, and then I could do it on your lunch break..." And I'm saying, "Oh, no, it's fine, I don't really like it either, oh, I agree, no, really, that's so sweet, will you decorate it NOW?!!?, aw, just kidding, no, really, that's so nice you thought of it, but yeah, me neither, I really never have cared for it." And I'm breathing sighs of relief inside, so tired exhausted like three hours of sleep tired this is new it's 8:30, it's not 9:00, what am I doing here, it's my birthday, this is my birthday, no, this is good, no balloons, I hate that crap, oh, this is very good, she's very nice, I like her, we're talking, we never talk, I can get to know her, maybe I really like her after all, who is she, no, I like her, she's so nice, this was so nice. And there is a little sign on the cube that the Manager put there, and so people walk by and say, "Oh, it's your birthday? Well, Happy Birthday", and it's just low key enough, just enough, and finally, end of day, one young man thinks to ask, "How old are you?", "43", "No, no, you're not, you are?", "Um, yeah, how old are you?", "30", "Ah, you're a kid", "I thought you were maybe 35", "Ahhh, I remember 35..., seems such a long time ago". It was sleepy and low key (I listened to The Doors in the Walkman, "Indian Summer", me telling Norman, then Gladysn, 'Iiiii, love you,,,, the best, better than alllllll, the rest') and I had work to do, but not too much, and Kukla came to vent, to complain, in general, as she is hating the job, she is hating it, like really hating our new job, mixed with the old one still, and how we've not made the smooth and total transition yet, but she is so slow to learn new things, and she is not herself, and then she says, "Oh, but it's your Birthday and here I am venting", and she gives me a hug and I pull her tight to me, it feels good to hug someone. I got my new auto tag on my lunch break, and it's a special one, not a 'vanity' plate, but it's a special plate for the state, to fund low cost animal sterilization programs, and educate, and it's really nice and the woman at the tag office told me how she's buying a house, and her baby has an ear infection, and she's waiting for phone calls, and the manager is out, and suddenly I was saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it all works out, I hope your baby is okay", and etc., and she shows me the button that matches the plate I'm getting, and tells me how many they have, and I say, "I want one!", and she gives it to me, and I say, "It is my birthday you know", and she says at the same time, "Don't say I never gave you anything", and suddenly everything is all interconnected and we're all just folks aren't we? Like the guy ahead of me who started telling me how his father beat him when he was a kid and that's what parents do when their children don't mind (um, mine didn't), and isn't it crazy the parents arrested for spanking their children, and he inadvertently spits on me while he talks and I wait 'til he's turned to wipe it away. The woman ahead of him had left her baby in his child seat on the ground, asked the man to watch, and the line moved while she was away, I said I was worried, and he agreed, and when she returned I told her I was worried, and she laughed, and had the most beautiful hair, auburn, natural auburn red brown hair, so shiny and beautiful, I wanted to look at it in front of me all day. I came home after work, earlier now, and this was nice, it's earlier now, it's lighter later, I love the Daylight Savings Time (isn't that it, the DST?, no, EDT?), I love the Daylight, stop your whining about losing your hour on Saturday night, you don't need it, look, it's light out! Look! And I called for Thai takeout, ordered, I mean, and drove to get it, and all the green looks withered now without rain, all the varying shades of it, and the wisteria almost through blooming along the highway, all dull and faded, already, windshield wipers still to wipe away the heavy yellow of the tree pollen everywhere. And now I sit to eat my Thai comfort food, my Birthday dinner, and I sit to write until my little wrists hurt with it, 'til I'm sore with typing, 'til I've typed and typed and can type no more. The Site Manager wished me Happy Birthday all day, every time he saw me, and he sent me email, and I emailed him back, and I got up on my chair and changed the time on the clock by my cube, because it's later now, and there will be more day, and I'm older now, but it's okay, and it's been a good day. Cost of the War in Iraq
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