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Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 / 9:30 p.m. ~Get Out of Me, Come Inside Me~ Look me in the eye and tell me, I'm satisfied, I'm so, unsatisfied... I took me out. My car passed emissions, one more year, Gino the emissons man, he made it happen, they raised the standards, my car lowered them, it barely passed, the tag office was closed, I went to town, I ate at my favorite bistro, the scene of the crime, I can't stay away, it's mine, mine, do you hear me, mine, it's my place, that's my corner booth, I sat and ate salmon pasta, and I used garlic bread to push it all around, and I read the free weekly for entertainment, and I was too early to even hear about proposed specials, but it's mine, mine, mine, do you hear me? I can still taste it, Sambuca in my mouth, and I can still taste the wine, and I can still see how slowly I ate it, I can still see the light shift from one side to the other, and all the server girls in their low rise jeans, and their nerdy glasses, and their intown manners, and calling me ma'am, I can still taste it, and I can still hear it, and I can still see us sitting in the next room, at the bar, a couple of ghosts there, I can still hear him telling me no, we do not have tremendous sexual chemistry, and I can still feel his lips on mine, and his tongue reaching into my mouth, and his hands pulling my shirt up over my head. I can still smell his cologne, and no, it's not too much, but it makes me think of that night, it makes me think you want me, this is my place, this is my bar, and my corner booth, it's not a booth, it's a table and I can pull it close to me as I push the Sambuca cream sauce with my garlic bread, my chunks of lightly cooked, raw in the center salmon, the peas, the tomatoes, the farfalle, the little bow ties, and I wish I had a cell phone, I want one now, I want to sit there and call everyone I know, come sit with me, come drink with me, come, we'll drink, we'll get drunk, we'll fuck and we'll forget it tomorrow, and don't ask me how I feel, I feel nothing for you, he is all I can think about, he is stuck inside me, he is there and I can't get rid of him. I saw the Triplets movie again, and it was good again, but my mind wandered, and I wanted someone there in the seat next to me, the one that didn't have my sweater and my purse and my copy of the free weekly on it, the other one, I could see a hand there, one I could hold, fingers in which I could entwine my own, an arm I could touch, skin I could make prickly, eyes I could look into, eyes that could see in me, eyes that wouldn't look away, and I could feel and touch and be felt and touched, and I wanted, wanted, wanted, and it was impossible not to. And after I only thought of him, of going to him, of wanting him, of forgetting what happened, I thought of forgetting before I remembered, and then I remembered and it was gone, all the hope and the warming to it, the opening to it, the feeling hairs on end, skin light to the touch, opening the inside of myself to him, it was gone, all of it was gone, but it's mine, don't forget it's all mine, and I can go there again, and I can eat what I want and sit where I want, and your ghost sits at that bar and in that room, I see your head leaning back on that couch, I see your face in profile and I see your hands move as you tell me your stories. We sit there after everyone else has gone. And I watch your hands. Your beautiful face. Your ghost hands, your ghost face, it's not you, you were never there, and I was never there, and that night doesn't haunt me, that night never happened, just like the next time, the time you told me what children we are, and how sorry you were, and how I deserved more, and why why why do I even have a memory for these things, why can't I forget it like I forgot your ghost at the bar telling me I'm nothing, telling me I never was anything, that it was all a lie, why can't I forget the good? Why do I play it all in my mind like it's a possibility, still? Like it's not all mine, like you are there with me and there's electricity between us and you invite me to your apartment and you massage me and you tell me I have a beautiful back, and you can't believe how old I am, and you bury yourself in me, I have to extricate you, you are stuck there, as you are stuck now and I want you gone if I can't have you, I want you out of my head, I want you gone, can you hear me, gone? I did all I wanted to do, I made it my day, I honored myself, I sat and I luxuriated in it, it was my place, my corner table, your ghost sits there at the bar ready to insult me, ready to tear me apart, but it's mine, and I am strong, and I still want you, and I want you out of me, but I want you in me, and I want to feel you all around me, I want to hold you so close and never let go of you. Cost of the War in Iraq
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