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Monday, Apr. 15, 2002 / 7:18 p.m. ~Just Follow the Instructions - a Title Not at All Indicative of the Contents~ I want to write this backwards, or present to past, or in one sentence at a time. One sentence paragraphs, or maybe just one long one, or not write at all. I'm tired. Sooo tired. But surprisingly, I'm perking up. Being home does that to me, this is where I'm alive, the rest is just some waking death, or walking death, I don't know, maybe it's not that dramatic at all. But still, I come home and almost instantly feel better, regardless of what chores are left undone. I want to note that my hair looked fabulous today. I don't usually wax on about my hair, but, well, I didn't wash it all weekend, I never washed it yesterday, so never cut it, and I didn't bathe at all, I only changed tshirts a couple times. Kind of gross, I know, but I enjoy being slovenly sometimes. So, today I washed my hair, I bathed, and I used this Neutrogena shampoo, which is kind of stinky, but it's supposed to remove residue from other shampoos, or whatever, and that combined with my Paul Mitchell Detangler, well, I don't know, but it was curly and really nice, all day. The occasional white hair flying out on top, all above the rest, mocking me, but I'm getting really used to it. I'm liking it, I think. I'm tired because I slept until 4:00 yesterday, so naturally I couldn't sleep last night, wasn't even tired. I took two Valerian capsules (which smell horrible, by the way), and I think it helped because I was lying in bed watching a very stupid movie called "Two Ninas", about a guy who dates two women at the same time, and they are both named Nina, and I fell asleep. But I fell asleep really late, like after 3:30 or something, so I woke up exhausted, my eyes all bloodshot, and I've hardly recovered, I've been floating all day. I told one person on the phone, "Okay, you should receive your W-2 form in the mail in around 7 to 10 minutes", when I was supposed to say "7 to 10 days". I caught myself, started laughing, and the guy said, "That's quite alright" when I apologized profusely. I was out of it. I didn't have energy to deal with the Listerine situation. She showed up, didn't look at me, nor I at her, Riley was really late and I thought maybe she'd quit, I know she was really upset at what happened on Friday. Everyone was so quiet, and Kukla was out. This is choppy, disjointed, I feel disjointed. I just got up to play my new CDs from Columbia House (I'm trying to get them to leave me alone, as no doubt many people are, but they just keep sending me their stupid catalog of overpriced crap CDS, until recently when they offered a special deal, no shipping, etc., so I ordered Madonna's "Music" and "Superfly", but I only got Madonna and I'm not in the mood, so I'm back). Anyway, what happened, what happened? Right, well, Lulu was called into the Manager's (M) office, and she came back out and said she'd been called in and, she told her side of what happened, that was that. Not much talking, Listerine in her cube. Then it was my turn, and I had written a chronology of all the crap Listerine has done since she came to our department a little over a year ago..... starting with her refusal to train with me because of the pictures of Norm and Glad in my cube. Refusal. Hates cats. At the time, D., the Supervisor, told me she thought it was racial, she pulled me aside to tell me that...... Then the time she showed me her dictionary with the word "nig...." in it (no, I'm white, I won't even write it here), and she said she keeps the dictionary as a reminder of a time when that word was still in dictionaries, and I said, "Well, I have an unabridged I use at home, and no doubt it's in there, or at least in my slang dictionary, I have Volumes I and II", but that wasn't her point...... she only showed it to me, the white person. And at the time, little naive me, I totally didn't understand what she was doing. Then the whole lynching photos incident. And I told them today, the Manager (M), and the Site Manager, both of them in M's office, that I went to the EEOC last year, and that it's really hard for a white person in an all black office to file a racial harassment charge, and M was shocked, claimed she hadn't noticed I'm white. It was insane. I said, "You're kidding, right?" and she went into her whole "You're ____, not a white person, I don't judge anyone by their skin color, I don't hire based on skin color, blah, blah, blah, blah" as if I'd just attacked her. She was SO defensive, when I was just trying to say, "Look, you guys, you women, you people in fucking charge, this woman, this Listerine person, is fucking INSANE, she has harassed me in the past, she stabbed my balloon like she was stabbing me, it was scary as shit, and how do any of us know that next time it won't be a fucking Uzi?!". But they defended Listerine, told me she was afraid of us, she felt we attacked her, poor little Listerine, and I don't know all the facts, I don't know what they've heard, what actions they've taken, blah, blah, blah, and at one point I said, "Hmmmm... that's interesting", because I was taking stock, I was taking mental notes of all their bullshit, knowing there was not one single thing I could do or say, and M says, "What does that mean? What do you mean, 'interesting'?", and I say how interesting it is that harassment is open to interpretation, and the Site Manager agrees, why yes it is. Fuck it, whatever, at that moment I realized they do not support me, they never have, I was traumatized last year when Listerine did that to me, I called a lawyer, I went to the EEOC, on my own time, I filed my complaint, I was told I had to let management handle it and management hasn't done FUCK, that I or anyone else can see, but they want to tell me they have. If they had, Listerine wouldn't be there with scissors in her hands. And M tells me I only reacted with fear because it was Listerine stabbing a balloon, that I would've had a different reaction if it had been anyone else, and I basically said that is such fucking bullshit! I looked M right in her eyes and said, "M, if it had been you, grabbing that balloon, and stabbing it with your scissors in such a violent and angry motion, I would've reacted exactly the same way". Oh, sure, they thanked me for my time, and I said, "Is that it? Did I present my side of the story well enough?", or something very similar, but they'd heard enough. I know they didn't want the rehash of what happened LAST year, they'd heard enough back then. I'm not all pissed off like I could be. I'm maybe too tired. I'm maybe too...... I'm beyond it. I'm stuck there. I'm not walking out, are you crazy? Who's gonna pay my bills if I do that? We shall see what we shall see, that's all. Later, Penelope was kind of upset, turned to Lulu and me and said Listerine had lied about her, had told Management that she, Penelope, had said something like "Listerine doesn't belong in this workplace, they need to let her go", but she never said a thing, she was too shocked, she just shook her head. Sweet, sweet Penelople. As much as I just wrote, it was a blur, at the time, and it's a blur still, my ridiculous meeting with M and the Site Manager. At one point, I swear, I'm not making this up, the little blonde Site Manager actually rolled her eyes and her head at something I said, and I really should've commented on it. To this day they have no sympathy, no compassion, no feeling at all for me regarding what Listerine did to me last year. I tell you, if I'd been a Jew and it had been Swastikas, maybe, if I'd been black and it were those lynching photos, yeah, I said it at the time, "If I were black and she were white, she'd be gone and you know it" and they denied that. The only reason they're not doing anything is because she has them totally bamboozled with her freakish displays of defensive behavior and paranoid delusions. Fuck. Right. Whatever. So I went to the Whole Foods Market, formerly the farmer's market, after work, just grabbed some pre-made stuff, and I've already pigged out on a huge chef's salad. I have a chicken adobe burrito, some veggie fried rice, some market-made egg rolls, and some of that wonderful, garlicky Shao Mai. Yum. I wanted to get something halfway healthy, but I'm still not ready to cook. I came close to buying all fresh veggies and fruits and bringing it all home to make huge salads, etc., but then I thought about having to clean the kitchen, and I lost interest, I excused myself, and I'm thinking about Friday, how I won't be here that night, nor Saturday night, and Sunday I'll be exhausted, in a good way, so it's best that I don't stock the fridge. Watch me procrastinate, it's fun! I mailed off a check for my Federal taxes, but I never received the State package, don't have a form, made an attempt to get one, at the Post Office, but there were NO forms there at all. And we had all these stupid calls today from people wanting their W-2s, like, NOW, and it was funny. Some people were rude and nasty, some swore at the reps, but I just laughed it off, started to give advice to one kid who thought he'd surely go to jail if he didn't file today, and he doesn't even owe!, but I caught myself. We're not supposed to do that. So, I come home, with my pre-made healthy goodies from the Market, and there's my neighbor, from downstairs, the one who cooks all the chicken, and uses some horrible smelling hair relaxer every so often, and I only know her by her smells, and the time she came up to borrow money and I wouldn't lend her any, and that was so weird, but here she is, tonight, saying hello, asking me if I know how to file a State Return....... and we laugh. We laugh because it's the last minute, and I haven't filed mine either, but I don't care, and she seems to, but she says she can't pay it, she'll have to pay in installments, and I'm saying, yes, been there, I've done that, it's no big deal, it's life, don't worry, you'll be fine, you'll figure it out. And it was really funny. She disappeared back into her apartment as if she'd never really come out to the parking lot to talk to me. She'd been looking around too, like she wanted to grab anyone and ask, "Do you know how to file a State Return? How do I fill out the form?". Follow the instructions. I'm going to read some diaries now - I think I have too many on my faves list, it's a lot to read every day! And then I'm going to sit and stare at something, probaby the television, and I won't watch "The Bachelor", that show is horrible and misogynistic and awful and degrading and no, I won't, I won't, I can't believe I watched it once, last Monday........ but I do kind of want to see what happens..... and on "Inside Edition" they were talking about him being gay, this bachelor, and they asked him!, and he said, in a very gay way, "I am definitely not gay", and as he said it, I thought, Huh, right, ummm hmmmmm. Mmmmm hmmmmmm, okie dokie, sure, gee, I think you are, yes, the more I look at you and listen to you, why yes, that's what you are, you're gay, and you're on this show to meet men! Because they're all watching and laughing as you degrade these women, and you'll get hundreds, if not thousands, of cards and letters when it's over, if you're not getting them now! I can't type another word. I lied, I'm watching "Fear Factor" and these people just had to parade down a runway, like fashion models, totally naked, then stand on a turntable, for two minutes, their hands on their hips, naked, in front of a LOT of people in the audience, all watching and laughing and applauding. Crazy. Good TV. But I'm not watching them eating the cockroaches, the live cockroaches, someone needs to call PETA, man, I'm serious, that shit's rude! Cost of the War in Iraq
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