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Sunday, Mar. 23, 2003 / 5:29 p.m. ~Major Life Altering Angst~ All I can think about is tomorrow. I can't stand the woman who thought she could tell me what to do, I can't stand her manner, the way she talks, the way she schmoozes all day, like all the supervisors and managers do, the way she dances around all the time. I loathe her, yet I hardly know her. It's solely based on her manner and her speaking voice, the way she sounds like she's always pissed off. She could say, "I love you" and sound like she's telling you to fuck yourself. Of course I think it's racial too. I can't help it. When all the people there are black and I'm white, of course it's what I think. I think they want me to quit, I think they've been waiting for a showdown for years now, and I could write a long list of injustices and wrongdoings that have occurred over the FIVE years I've been there, but I get all shaky just thinking about how much I hate the things I hate about that job. I keep picturing it. Deleting my Webshots program from my PC, deleting all my icon files, my personalized FAX coversheet, my typing tutor program, the cat that walks across the screen and the sheep that pee on daisies. Delete anything personal, take off my stickers from the monitor, get my personal file, stash it in my backpack, take down my calendar pictures, grab my Sigmund Freud mug, my highlighters, there's not much there that's mine. How long will it take? Could I come straight home and prepare to go back out to a temp agency? Would a temp agency have something for me? Wouldn't it be something exactly the same? Could I go back to Earthlink? Would they still have my app. on file? $10/hour, no set hours until I'm hired. First shift? Second shift? Third shift? I wouldn't know. Could my car handle the commute? Could I? What am I going to do? Would Turner hire me? Probably for less than $10. And Borders might, but probably for not much more than $8. Can I even live on that? I could work Borders days and Media Play at night. I know the manager at Media Play, she offered me a part time gig not long ago. Such a step down. 42 years old working in fucking retail and offices because I dropped out of college to live on an inheritance. I fucked up. If writing all of that gets me emotional how am I going to keep from crying when faced with those stupid women tomorrow? I will stick to my principles. There is a WAR going on, and if a woman calls and wants her son's W-2 because he is in fucking Kuwait, I am going to help her get it. I am not going to insist she call Kuwait to get her son to FAX or email his Power of Attorney to her. I am not going to make her jump through hoops while she waits to see if he lives or dies. And if I'm challenged we are going to have a fight. No peace tomorrow. I feel ready to fight, I do. I shake just thinking about it. Friday I had this HUGE adrenalin rush, I could barely speak, I could barely function at all. I burn with rage when I'm angry. Tomorrow should be no different. They would love to replace me with some young black woman, someone who is meek and subservient, subordinate, someone who calls the other women by the title 'Miss'. "Yes, Miss Penelope, yes, Miss Veronica, Miss Quincey, could you help me?". They love that. I really think they would love not to be challenged for a change, but to be respected simply because they have titles. And I think they'd like it if one more educated white person left so they could get some peace and be nonchalant about everything again. Could I run away with the Cirque Du Soleil? They're in town.... No, too many things, too many books, and the cats. No. I'm thinking a temp agency, take some tests, let them place me. There are so many office parks around here, even closer than where I work. There must be something comparable, for now, just so I don't lose paychecks. Is staying put an option? I don't think so. I'm not sure. I'm miserable at my job. I'm stifled, I'm bored, I'm stunted, I can't grow. I'm getting old there, I'm glued to that cube, I'm hating my life every soul sucking day. And I hate having to hold so much back. Holding back who I am, having to 'dumb down' my speech, my vocabulary, just so my co-workers can understand what I'm saying. I seriously cannot use multisyllable words around them. Not one of them is a friend, I don't want to see any of them outside of work. If I didn't work with them I'd never talk to any of them. And to hear them talk about the WAR? Yikes! They are so ignorant, not just uneducated, but they lack the ability to reason, to question, they know nothing of logic. They're sheep. It's horrible, so horrible. If this were two weeks from now, when I'm in the middle of my cycle, would I feel any of this desperation? Probably not. I'd be complacent once again. But this has been building for so long it's been crushing me. My spirit, to the point there's nothing left of me. It's there or it's here, there's nothing left in between. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I won't sleep tonight. Tomorrow will be a waiting game. If H., the Supervisor, is still out on her 'personal matter', and the Manager (M) is in her Managers' meeting, it will wait. Mondays are busy for Managers. If the substitute superivsor is anxious, it will happen. She will want me to be 'written up' for my insubordination. I will tell her she was out of line. Ugh, women, arguing. Arguing women. We might all be on the rag, and then what? Is this not a fucking nightmare?! When do I wake up? Speaking of, I dreamed Moby was a dick. Isn't that funny? Seriously. I slept with him, but I don't remember sex, just waking up in his hotel room, him leaving and tossing me a $10 bill! Me telling him I'm not a hooker! I think this had something to do with watching the soft-core porn teen murder movie "Bully" last night. One of those movies you watch and keep asking yourself, "Why am I WATCHING this?!" the whole time. Poor Rachel Miner, she was little Michelle on "Guiding Light" for years, then she married McCauley Culkin, and now aren't they divorced? She is naked almost the entire film. Seriously. And is she an incredible actress or was she drugged the entire time? I think someone should be sued. Is this a recommendation? Sure, watch it. The acting is awfully good and the opening sex scene got me a bit warmed up, but holy moly, it's awful unpleasant. Okay. Awful. And I watched the whole thing. Which, if you do, make sure you do. After the end credits comes the epilogue. It's based on a true story, and you'll need to sit through all of that just to see the real outcome of the teens involved. Bottom line? The usual, crime does not pay. It's hard to commit a murder and not be caught. Especially if you're a loud mouthed teenager. I need to do laundry. If I have to go find a job I need 'going to find a job' clothes, clean ones. I hope the Oscars are on tonight. I need a diversion. Cost of the War in Iraq
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