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Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004 / 8:28 p.m. ~Thoughts As They Occur~ I haven't shaved my legs since October of 2002. The hair is really long and soft, and sometimes I sit and just rub my hand over it. No, I don't also stick my hands in my armpits and smell them after, although it's not because there would be anything wrong with that. I'm simply very comfortable with my body, and happy to be able to say that. So many women aren't, and it's always uncomfortable (discomfiting?) to learn of such. Here's a non sequitur - that show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" gets me all choked up. And "Hud" last on TCM freaked me out. That cattle killing scene was too real, too horrifying. Poor damned cows. What hell to be a cow, eh? Or a pig, or a sheep. But is it better to be a human? Okay, free form here, just thinking on the keyboard. I don't know when to give Gladys her fluids. She seems okay, restless, but okay, and when I lift the skin on the back of her neck it doesn't lift far. I know if it lifts and doesn't snap back down it means she's dehydrated, but what if it barely lifts, if it's too close to the body? If her skin is tight? What then? Fluids? I've got a bigger needle on the tip of the tube now, and I dread using it. I think I need to see the Moore movie again, once may not have been enough (she wrote, cleverly avoiding mentioning the name of the film for fear [and why fear?] of inviting the web searchers to her online diary she's all but abandoned as of late). Hey, who was that? Am I talking to myself again? I wonder if other people who live alone talk to themselves. Out loud, like in front of the mirror, in the kitchen whilst cooking, or at the TV during the Jon Stewart show, or catch themselves laughing out loud during Letterman and wonder what they look like to anyone watching through tiny cameras on the ends of tinier cathode ray tubing. Do I entertain my cats enough? Should I do more? Will I win the lottery tonight? And if I do, how much will my brother want? Will he contact me or will I contact him? Should I give him anything? Could I disappear? How long before I go forward to claim the money? How should I invest it? How long before I quit my job? And how long before I have the money in my hands? Could I buy a new car instantly? Tomorrow, say? What would be the first thing I'd do? Once I have the money, of course. Dinner, out, someplace really nice. The new car, lots of driving in the new car. A movie. Quit the job, of course. Give money away, to my coworkers, to my friends, the few I have, not too many thankfully. And my cousin definitely. I've been getting calls from some company handling the probate of some woman's estate. I don't even know what that means, but I've been getting these messages on my answering machine while I'm at work, and they've not ceased, these different reps calling and telling me case numbers, and reference numbers, and etc., and so today after work, after getting yet another, a man who commented on my outgoing Moby message on my machine, "Maybe you'll call me in the 'middle of the night'", he said, and I called back. Turns out the woman who died had a relative with my initials and my last name, so their computer system found me. She lived in Cleveland though, and I do not. This was weird, the whole thing, and my joking with the operator on the phone about how if she left me money, this woman who died, well surely I am indeed a relative then, by all means, and did she, did she huh?, but now it is over. I have never heard of her, never. Sudden blankness has come over me and this little experiment shall now come to a close. If I do win the lottery tonight I will return and document the proceedings, in excruciating detail. 'Til then. Cost of the War in Iraq
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