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Sunday, Jun. 27, 2004 / 11:17 p.m. ~Wow, An Actual Update, Updated By Me~ I honestly don't understand why I've still not won the lottery. Every time I buy a ticket, and when the jackpot grows and grows I buy more than one, I buy three, or five, I expect to win. I expect it. In my head I plan it. I feel it. This is it, this time this is it, it's my turn, I'll do such good, I'll pass it around, I won't keep much, I'll give it away, I will. And then I can't watch the drawing, and then I can't look online for the numbers, I have to call the hotline, and I write the numbers down on any scrap of paper I can find, never a fresh piece, and I then compare them to the ticket, or the tickets, and I seldom match any numbers at all. I'm so let down, I'm dejected, I'm miserable, I'm stuck, there's no way out, like it's the only hope at all, this wholly unrealistic reality that is only a fantasy that's really someone else's reality. Who wins? Who are these people? Those who match all five but not the big money ball? The one hundred seventy-five thousanders, who are they? What do they do with the money? Who's investing where and how? I paid my bills tonight whilst watching a lovely little romance on Hallmark Channel. Yes, a Hallmark romance, and it was good, "The Love Letter", Campbell Scott and Jennifer Jason Leigh in some time travel reincarnation love story craziness, and it was actually good, distracting me to the point I had to scribble on, write VOID on, and tear up a check. I paid the Visa bill in full, Gladys' medical bills, and some Amazon.com purchase, some LiveJournal something or other, icon hosting or something, a huge bill total, huge, a check I couldn't write correctly, don't forget hyphens and to write 100ths, and can I afford this? And then the car insurance which I pay bi-annually now, and I can pay that payment in two, but I wanted nothing due, no debt, I want to pay it all now, and can I afford all of this? Without the lottery? It's all paid now, all the hundreds and hundreds, and I had it all, surprisingly, but without the lottery, without winning, and how could I not, how did it happen I didn't?, that's it now, I think I shall stop eating, and no gasoline, no entertainment, and if the cat gets sick any further than she is now, any furthering of the illness, sorry, forget it. I got a raise at work. Three per cent. This is it, isn't it? All there is? Oh yes, see "Fahrenheit 9/11", it's required viewing. And it happens to be excellent. I think I had a dream I was kissing someone. Cost of the War in Iraq
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