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Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005 / 11:05 p.m. ~Lush and Full~ It catches me off guard, as if I forget it's going to be there, as if I forget any of it is there, up there, clouds, stars, planets, our sun, our moon, a universe outside ourselves, beyond, a mystery farther than any we can fathom. We all spend so much time looking down, and looking inward, and at each other, and deeper inside, asleep, unconscious, unaware, yet it's all so small. Our world is all so small, so very insignificant. I sleep through my routine, I could do it all with eyes closed, I could hear my way through it, I could touch my way through it, or taste it, I don't need to see, but when I'm there, seeing it, driving on my way to work, thinking of anything but what I'm doing, and everything including what I'm doing, and the other people on the road, and wondering who taught them to drive, and becoming angry, and forgetting, in an instant, there it is. I catch a glimpse in a mirror, a reflection at first, and it's red, bright red, or pink, or soft blue and gold, it's a sunrise, it's the clouds in the afternoon, Interstate Big Sky Country, land cleared long ago for this, for all of this carrying us all through our blind routines with eyes not even open to what is really there, above us, around us, not so close, but far away, and it's the sunrise, it's the clouds, it's the moon... This morning it was the moon, and I gasped as I saw it. I gasped, I howled, I began to howl, I was loud, alone in my car, I was loud, I was appreciative, I was running off the road and not caring, seeing how pink it was, how big, how soft, how close to the end of its night, the beginning of my day, there by the mountain off in the distance. Perfect, a mountain moonset, and I wanted to stop, just stop, just get out and howl as it went down, as it disappeared behind the trees, the sun coming up in the opposite direction, casting its pink glow on everything. And tonight, the clouds were stripes before sunset, the sky was golden, and blue, like jewels, everything glistened, and I drove over the river, dropped into a bend and rose again, and on that rise there it was, rising again to greet me, big as before, white and blue this time, white and shining, so bright, a moonrise over the river, and the trees, and the dip in them as the river broke them in half, and I wanted to do it again, howl, some bizarre desire to express my appreciation via a primal, guttural sound, something beyond my scope of reason. I wanted to stop, to get out, to sit up high and watch it, stare at it, get closer, closer, binoculars, telescope, see it, merge with it, be in it, on it. I felt its pull, all last night, restless, anxious, excited, nervous, hopeful, knowing that something is out there, that it's happening, whatever it is that is supposed to, and it was hard to sleep, it was hard to turn out the light, hard to quiet all the external sounds and find peace. Today it was the excitement of seeing it there, like that, the sunrise to my left, the moonset to my right, the pink and orange and gold and blue, the soft hue of the striped clouds, so few, the layer of gaseous emissions, the smog, the colorful smog a soft layer just over our heads, and that orb, that softly shining orb on its way to slumber. I was charged, fueled, I was energized, I was flying, inside myself I was flying, I was hyper aware, I was sensate, I was sensuality, and sensousness, and I closed my eyes and felt it all, and we played with words, we wrote and we wrote, and we wrote more, and secrets were revealed, and information was exchanged, and I was high and I was higher, and I sank. Unexpectedly I hit a bottom, I reached a crescendo on high, a climax, and I crashed, and fell to the earth. I found it again when I crossed over the river and saw it there, shining so brightly, so strong, so resilient, so dependable, so full and beautiful, and now I feel nothing but a calm hope and optimism, and desire, and an anxiousness that will see fulfillment, a knowing beginning, and end to waiting, a feeling of mutual excitement, and I want to howl once more, I want to lean out the window once more, I want to see the moon in its lush fullness as it goes to sleep in the morning, just at dawn, see it reflect the glow of us, and our sun, and our light, and feel what hope lies ahead, and what newness has been brought to me, and never let go of this feeling. Cost of the War in Iraq
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