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Sunday, Jan. 02, 2005 / 11:13 p.m. ~Movie Music, Calendars, Freedom, Calm~ I wasn't the only one at the bookstore buying calendars today, and that made me feel less of a freak. I don't know how it got to be so late, how it is time just keeps slipping away, making me feel like I've lost any grasp I thought I had. Funny, that, me with all my calendars hanging on every door, and how many does a person need? But once the little holes are there, in place from the pushpins, it's necessary to fill that spot each year, fresh pages, and then of course it's impossible ever to throw them away. Ever. That's a whole other subject, me and what I save, and the peculiar aspect of being faced with the proposition of throwing something away which has been saved for so very many years. Oh, the feeling there, that is impossible to describe. I've stood holding an object, turning it over in my hands, thinking how long, how long I've kept it, so many years, and now suddenly, NOW?, now I'd just throw it away, as if I never thought it had meaning? How can one attach so much meaning to something so insignificant? Misplaced priorities? And then to casually toss something aside, to make that decision, finally, the sensation is one of freedom, I suppose. I bought movie music. Songs heard in film, whole CDs for certain songs. David Bowie's "The Motel", from the movie "Intimacy" seen yet again late last night, something I couldn't avoid watching, wholly intrigued by the concept of a man unable to have zipless fuck after zipless fuck, without even talking to his lover, a man who has to get inside her head, and find out how she can do it, how is it she can do this, not want anything from him, what does she have inside her, what secret does she possess, what is it he is missing in this? Fascinating, and that song, that saddest song, I had to have it. I researched it online, found the title, the album, bought it today. And Damien Rice, for the song in "Closer", that song I downloaded from KaZaA three times, only to find it empty. Blank. Long downloads, many megabytes, nothing there at all. It's mine now. Tomorrow I'll listen to these at work, on my computer, whilst performing my menial tasks. And my new Sydney Omarr Aries book, in which he proceeds to inform me, and every other person born under the sun sign Aries, that in this coming year we will perhaps be married. We shall have major dealings with Cancer, and not the disease. So I think of the Cancer I would come closest to marrying, and I shake my head in wonder and puzzlement. No one knows the future, I just read for fun, and I can't not buy these little books, and I can't throw them away either, but one day I will go through everything and give it all away, or throw it away, and it is then I will feel that sensation again, freedom. But I like my things. I am incredibly tired. I am emotionally drained, it is all gone, every emotion, for now, for the necessary sake of self preservation, and I feel amazingly calm, tired, but calm. Cost of the War in Iraq
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