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Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004 / 9:03 p.m. ~Riding the Waves at the End of the Day~ After more hard rain this morning, loud enough to wake me, the sky cleared, and sunset at the end of the work day, something which is new this week, showed beautiful multicolored clouds blowing quickly across the sky. Clear, clean, dry air signaled a change in the weather, and I knew what was coming without a weatherman to tell me. Odd, because this morning my day started with a call to one of my districts, at work, and a conversation with someone new, a man who has only worked there for a week. Early bird trying to catch whatever worms were available at the hour, namely me, I suppose, at work an hour before everyone else, central time. He asked about the weather when he found out my location, and we went on from there, the leaves, are they still on the trees?, and how he does hate when the air is humid, dank this time of year, too warm for the month, and the rain, the incessant rain. I told him we'd not lost the leaves yet, they still come in colors, multicolored leaves, but I hate the bare branches the months of winter as well. We laughed and talked about the spelling of my name, and his daughter's name, and the weather, and how funny it was we were talking about the weather, and I forgot this was work, after all. But the day started with weather and ended with weather, as if we were still humans on earth, existing amidst our surroundings, not in spite of them. The temperature is cool now, the air conditioning is off again, the window only cracked, and I imagine I'll awake tomorrow amidst a chill in the room, and wish I might stay there, covered, swaddled in blankets, sleeping the sleep of angels. I need to heal. It's a week tomorrow since the end began, and I can trace it all, and I know every step of it, the route I took, the path I forged, and how dangerous it was, how steep and treacherous all along the way, but I followed my own heart, torn and hanging by shreds. All of it is coming together again, I feel it, and at times I don't remember any of it, and at times I cannot stop recounting detail after detail, wondering what he thought, wondering why we did any of it, wondering why these experiences are thrown at me, and what I learn from them, and wondering if I ever will learn anything beneficial from them. I've barely even thought about the larger events, about what comes next for our country and for our people, and watching the evening news tonight I saw a checklist on screen, all the things our second term president hopes to accomplish in the next four, amongst them overturning Roe v Wade, and the importance of 'morality' in the minds of middle American voters, and the backwards turn this country took some time in the '90s, how it has gone farther than anyone could have possibly imagined, and for a moment I forgot myself and saw a bigger picture. It was frightening, but in a way, I'm not only numb now, I'm not only in denial now, I feel I might have given up. Because as much as the biggest picture is the most important, in the end it's down to me. And what's important to me, and my life, now, is stability and happiness, and healing, becoming grounded again, and appreciating the energy of what is around us, and what is bigger than that biggest picture, things we can never hope to understand in this life. Somehow looking at the sky reminds me, thinking of what's out there, what is beyond us, and how very small we are. It reminds me that all the rest of this is inconsequential. In the grand scheme it's just another lesson, and we only do what we can, and we can do no more than that, ever. I want to find peace within myself, and happiness there, and a land not only with deciduous trees that have leaves that come in colors, but big sky all around, and at night I want to see the glow of a million stars letting me know this is not all there is. And during the day watch clouds blow across the sky, change shape and band together to rain down upon us. The rest means so very little. Men will do what men will do, and people will seek power, and powerful men will seek to subvert the less powerful, and crush them, force them with their will and might. It's a story as old as time, since the patriarchy began. But I'd like to live a different life, and now I rest from the fighting, the futility of it all, trying to change the world, and trying to persuade anyone to do anything. I've retreated to the comfort of what I know, and the place that feels like home to me. I will protect all this now, and fight again when the time is right. We've lost so much, and we will lose even more before it's over, but what then besides a rebirth? It's inevitable, even as life begins anew after a fire destroys a forest of old growth trees. And perhaps nothing really is ever ended, for there is always hope that what's past is not permanent, and that change brings something positive, always. I'm still thinking about all of it, letting it 'marinate', as they say. Once I'm all good and soaked with it, I'll be able to fully understand what I feel, but for now, it's random feelings, random thoughts, a few regrets, rather serious regrets, but a firm knowledge and belief that it just might be everything does happen for a reason, and in life there are endless cycles repeating themselves in waves, and we just have to ride them best we can, yes? Cost of the War in Iraq
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