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Saturday, Apr. 15, 2006 / 7:16 p.m. ~The Calm I Found, for Now~ I haven't thought about Iran at all today, nor nuclear weapons, Bush, Rumsfeld, retired generals who want Rumsfeld gone, the smog outside, the unusually high temperatures lately, the pollen, the unbelievable array of shades of green, the pain of the needle in my vein yesterday, the feeling I was not a human being, but a number, the intense lack of respect on all fronts, the loathesome people I must see every day, none of it, not really, but for now to make this list. Not even thinking about how many people were killed today in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or how many died of AIDS, or cancer, or hunger, around the globe, or how many people have nowhere to sleep tonight, how many women were abused by men, how many were raped, how many children are afraid of their parents, only to list them here, now, these people, and the seals being clubbed to death in Canada as I sit to write. The gas prices, the problems inherent in the immigration process, not only to this country, but all around the world, I'm not thinking about any of it, but it heartens me to know that Dennis Kucinich tried to save a man hit by a bus outside his office yesterday, to know that he wanted to help, but there was nothing he could do, and really, we all know what it is to be helpless. No, I spent an inordinate amount of time entering my entire phone/address book into my new cellular phone, learning how to use the phone, getting the phone activated and trying to download the ringtone I want, even paying to do so, but without success. And I can look out the window to see the green, and the dry dirt of springtime, and the blue sky with few clouds on the horizon, and know what's out there, and what is in here, and know which I prefer. I'm not even thinking about the man in my life, and how I still don't know how I feel about him, only that the idea of him excites me tremendously, and last night, at a movie with another, I imagined him sitting next to me, wondering which of us would reach for the other's hand first. Wondering what he smells like, unable to remember, wanting to know, wanting just to smell him, feel him next to me, like I could close my eyes to imagine him. Today I'm not thinking about anything, except to write this now, to list the things I'm not thinking about, now. Because now is music on the Winamp player, and the sound of my fingers softly pressing the letter keys to form these words, the air conditioning whooshing in the background, Norma pretending to sleep on the rug in front of me, my new cell phone flipped closed not far from her. Now is nothing else, not really. It might be I found the calm I asked the cosmos for during the full moon. It's all I want lately. Cost of the War in Iraq
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