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Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006 / 9:37 p.m. ~Waiting~ I suck at being patient, seriously. Patience is not something I know, not at all, especially not when I'm waiting for something I know I want, when I'm not even sure I can have it and time must pass before I can find out. Right now I'm waiting, and the one I'm waiting for would have no idea how many times I've said to myself, "Forget it, that's it, just forget it, I am SO not going to do this, I really don't care, not anymore!", no one would believe it. And if I didn't keep telling myself that I've given up (that's another one, "I give up!"), I would surely die of the waiting. I want what I want, and I want it now, and if I can't have it, I move on. Basically. Usually. Okay, sometimes. Occasionally. Honestly, I feel like I'm on hold. And there isn't even a recorded female voice telling me that my call is important to her, or them, whoever 'they' are, it's just dead air space. Silence. Waiting, waiting, waiting, and what for, really, what for? I can't even be certain, but he has led me on, and led me to believe that there is something, and then there's nothing, and the waiting in between is enough to drive a sane person perfectly mad. Two months of waiting, with one face to face meeting, one meeting that now is a fuzzy memory. I have a folder for our email exchanges, and sometimes I sit and read them, picking and choosing bits and pieces, and I just noticed the last sentence of one from a few days ago: Everything will work out. That's how he closed the email. I never even noticed, or if I did I forgot - I have a short short attention span for someone who can write volumes - I tend to skim. Everything will work out, will it? He'll be available at some point, and want to see me, at a time when it so happens I want to see him too? Is this the possibility? And will we have that same connection we've had the past many weeks, with plenty to share, plenty to tell each other, and a genuine passion between us? Remains to be seen. I want to give up the waiting, abandon it for good, forget, somehow manage to forget that I am supposed to be waiting, and move on completely. But that seems wrong, somehow, like maybe I said I would wait for him - did I? Cost of the War in Iraq
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