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Saturday, Apr. 13, 2002 / 10:36 p.m. ~This One is Rated XXX, I'm Warning You~ I'm writing here a lot, I know. I have a lot to say. I'll slow down soon, it's all a balancing act, remember? It turns out I like gay porn. Not just any gay porn, and not lesbians, but gay men. I'm not a fag hag, but I like to see good looking men having sex with each other. I wonder if this means anything, anything besides the fact that I'm a sexual human being and I have my own preferences, as does every other person. Once upon a time I went with my good friend and neighbor, Penny, to her job where she groomed dogs, and into the adjoining apartment of the owner, her boss, a gay man who also owned a large collection of gay porn. Penny popped in a video and I was fairly disgusted, mostly because it was John "Wad" Holmes doing some young kid in the ass, the young kid down on all fours, looking pained actually. They didn't call John "Wad" for nothing. And he was ugly! And the lighting was horrible, the production values atrocious, it wasn't erotic or sexy or anything but animalistic and ugly. But when I saw "Cruising", years before, I was turned on then, when Al Pacino goes into all those leather bars looking for the serial killer, and I barely remember that movie now. Except that it elicited major feelings from me, I left the theatre wanting to hear that music again, that hard driving early, early, Techno music, and I didn't understand the things men do to each other sexually, I was barely old enough to understand all the things I would later do. I must've been what?, 19? 18? I have no clue. That movie was panned, it was hated, and I can't remember why that was either. Was it homophobic? It presented the seamy side of gay bars, yeah, but what else? Was it a horrific stereotype? I don't remember. I really don't. I just remember being intrigued. And when I worked at the coffee shop with Harry, I went to the apartment he shared with his boyfriend one day and he showed me a little movie on his PC, a short, short movie of two men having sex on the lower bunk of a set of bunk beds, one on top of the other, like a man and woman in missionary position, but it was clearly anal. I was so intrigued, and I could hear the sounds they made - we watched it several times. I loved it. I didn't know why, but it was incredibly erotic. I'm sure there have been other times, other moments, other movies, and that's not even including all the times I've gone dancing at gay bars, the time I got stoned with Laz's ex-boyfriend down in the corner at Backstreet, right off the dance floor, and how turned on I was watching all those shirtless, sweaty men dance with each other, how fun it was to wander through them, brush up against them, on my way to one side or the other. Or the time I met that guy from the phone dating line, met him there, the biker, and we stood watching the dance floor, making out, right there where it was safe. And that's as far as it went. That was a side of me that's been long repressed. Tonight I watched a movie on OuterMax, and I don't know what OuterMax is, besides a Cinemax channel, and I was thinking maybe it's Outer as in "Out", as in homosexual, but I'm not sure, even though there's a movie on right now, "Up Against the Wall", about the Attica prison uprising, and already they've shown penises galore..... but I'm not going to watch it, even though Sam Jackson is in it. So, I watched this movie, called "Head On", about this young Greek man struggling with his identity, in a close minded little Greek community in Australia, Melbourne, I think. He's bullied by his father, he can't "come out", he's stuck in this horrible situation, taking drugs, sucking off strangers in alleys, getting sucked off, and I almost feel the need to apologize, but it was hot! It wasn't sleazy, there was enough story to keep it from being just porn, it wasn't porn, but it had a lot of gay sex in it, a lot of blowjobs, a lot of touching, masturbating, etc., and maybe it's because I love men, but I loved watching it. I loved watching this lead character masturbate, and the scene at the end where he's finally having sex with this guy that has real feelings for him, they're finally going to consummate what's been building for the whole film, it's shot in this blue light, and it's amazingly erotic. But he can't handle someone loving him..... so it ends abruptly, in a fight. Suddenly it's these two naked men fighting, hitting each other, and the one who's loving throws him out. He's understandably hurt, and I was so wrapped up I felt awful for them both - besides, dammit, I wanted to watch! Our man is confused, he's convinced he's good for nothing, he's a whore, he's a disappointment, and it's like a gay "Fight Club" or something, not filled with fighting, but the same angst felt by men of a certain age, in their twenties, and having the added confliction of their own homosexuality to deal with. It was a good movie actually, I really liked it, yes, for the sex, but for the story, and the actor playing the lead is very beautiful, has nice full lips, dark hair, he's Greek, most of the cast is Greek. And the acting was very good. But my god, I got so turned on! I'm not writing this for anyone, I'm just going through a sexual phase the last few days, it's part of my cycle, and I'm letting off some steam, I'm just expressing how I feel. It's harmless. Yes, I suppose it's personal, but this is me. It's my Diary, you know, after all. Whew. I don't know if any gay porn would do it for me, certainly not the John Holmes library. I like my porn with a story, nice lighting, attractive and talented actors, you know, like a good movie, with sex scenes, only in the sex scenes you really believe the people are having sex. In fact, the sounds this one guy was making as he was supposedly giving our lead head were very realistic, not juicy enough, not slurpy enough, but yeah, I could almost believe it. No, they didn't show it, it wasn't hard core, they were naked, but we don't get to see one erect penis in the whole thing. Erect penises indicate XXX and are not shown on cable channels. It's probably illegal in this state anyway. I mean I could go buy some, or rent it maybe, but I'm not that interested. I simply stumbled on to something, that's all. So, I recommend it, "Head On", and it had a good soundtrack that I'm actually considering looking for online. Cost of the War in Iraq
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