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Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 / 10:08 p.m. ~Happy New Year~ I've had a look in the mirror and I've determined I don't look as bad as I thought I would. I'm okay, I look okay, everything is going to be okay, from the outside it is apparent. From the inside as well. There is only so far down one can go before one comes back up. It must be like a dive into very deep water. The instinct is to come back up. We float, we don't sink, sinking is not natural. It's all only so deep, but there is a bottom, and only up to come back from it. I've made progress, and though I'm stuck on all these contractions, I'm sure it's to compact it all, even the words. Compress, clean up, tidy up. It feels tidier this way. I want to get rid of things. And I realize I save so much for fear of cluttering a landfill somewhere. I see everything as reusable, or recyclable, and picture everything in every garbage bag as something that will fill a hole and stay there, forever. I don't want to be a part of that. But this side of me, this part, the rational and logical and thinking part, which is exactly like that other, only more self-absorbed, wants to get rid of so much, regardless of its potential use, just throw it and don't look back. A casual toss. A cleaning up, a tidying, compressing, making the sum total smaller. I'm not sure I want to stay here, I may want to go, but right now I can only think of comfort I find in thoughts of someone else. And that would be my home. And I wonder if that's okay, if it's okay to place a potential for happiness in someone else, is it okay to lose my resolve and my independence, to want not to be so independent, to want to lean on someone, and to want to be with someone that much. Ah, no answers now. But I'm putting things to right, and this makes me feel productive and good. I find a certain creative energy in my displays of material things, in creating a home (it's the Taurus Ascendant in my chart, she says, astrologically speaking). And I want to create a home, a special one, and have hot cocoa available always. I want to cook and clean and nest. Somewhere else. I don't think that's so odd. I don't. But none of us knows what the future will bring. Let's just say we are on the verge of newness here, as we hang new calendars, flip pages, and try our hardest to remember to write '05 instead of '04. Great change is ahead of us, can't we feel it? So, we're getting ready, and I feel I am mentally getting ready, I am preparing myself to be stronger than I've been, to make way for newness, to find a way to get rid of the old, to make room for more, to accept more, to welcome more, and to give more. It feels a bit of a purge. And an openness, acceptance. Today has been so hard, but I have come up for air, the dive down was a hard one, and I felt my lungs tighten with the descent, the pressure, the holding of breath, but now, now feels like a deep breath of fresh air, or a desire for one, which is an excellent first step, I'd say. And I'd say I am most thankful for my wonderful cats, for always tolerating all my many moods, for loving me anyway, in spite of myself, for knowing how much I love them, and that they always come first because of that. It's going to be alright. Cost of the War in Iraq
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