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2001-09-26 / 10:09 p.m. ~Recharging~ I just saw a really cool diary banner, something to do with "renegade"....very bright colors, shapes, faces, etc., but I am in a hurry to write this, kind of. I've been running, it feels like, mentally, thinking a lot, planning, making lists, trying to accomplish too much, staying up too late, getting up too early. Tonight I crashed, slept on the sofa from about 8:15 to a little after 9:00...missed the beginning of "The Amazing Race" - which makes me think of something, a great idea: what if there were a Reality cable channel? Reruns of "Real World", "Temptation Island", "Chains of Love", "Survivor", etc. It would cost a fortune, maybe, for rights to air them, but hey, otherwise they're gone for good, right? Like old daily newscasts, or something. It would be a way for someone like me to see that one "Big Brother" I missed last year, or tonight's first few minutes of "The Amazing Race". I'm weird, I know. I created the Reality TV diaryring because I am way into this shit. This morning, maybe 5:00 a.m., Gladys decided to run a marathon in the apartment, up and down the hall, up on to the bed, okay, maybe just an obstacle course, no marathon, but it went on and on and on, thump, thump, thump, thump, running, bouncing, up and down and all around. And uh, she woke me up, a lot. So I was aware of my dreams, heavily aware, and I actually continued one, which is really weird. I dreamed of the long term relationship, probably because I've referred to him here, not by name or initial, well maybe once, but by "long term relationship" mostly, because he was, to me, just that. About 6 years total, 4 living together, one before, and then one after, almost. Now he's married, we will never speak again. Bad terms, the wife despised me based on what he told her - guess I left a bad impression. I dreamed I was driving through the neighborhood I was in on Friday, the trendy one intown, and there was a guy working with a crew, sound crew or movie crew or something, on one side of the street - I was on a skateboard, or scooter, or something which required balance I didn't really have. I was noticing the guy, on the left, then this guy on the right calling out to him, "Have you met Lisa?" and it was him, the Long Term Relationship, LTR. I look him right in the eye, he is feet from me, and I say, "Hello, LTR, how are you?", and he looks away from me, totally ignores me. Lisa is his new woman and I am remarking to myself that he must not be married anymore because his wife's name is Jennifer, not that I've seen her nor met her, but I know this fact. He's introducing Lisa and I'm on this scooter thing and I keep going, in a bit of shock, there was LTR, with "Lisa", how weird is that? Not very, I guess, because in reality he does live right near said trendy neighborhood, and I thought of this fact as I drove through on Friday. Not too weird, none of it, too real in fact. In the dream I am headed to the Birkenstock store to pick up my new pair and the building is empty, it has been closed and I must change plans. Then, as things change so often in dreams, it is my favorite restaurant, the top rated in the city actually, very expensive, yet earthy and sensual, and guess what? LTR is the manager. Damn the luck. Turns out I'm working there, or eating there, or something and I simply must deal with him, like it or not. But it's killing me. I don't want to see him at all, and he is treating me like a leper or something. Gladys wakes me up, I'm absorbed by this dream, want to write it down, but then I'd be too awake, so I vow to remember it, go back to sleep and continue it, actually against my conscious will. I am there after hours, in this restaurant, still not believing the irony that he is the general manager, asking people how he is, what he is like to work with/for, etc., and I have to break in to the safe, or something. Okay, I can't remember at all, I can only remember the shock, the strangeness, the discomfort. Ack. Things have slowed down considerably at work, and I have slowed down. I am not going anywhere, not yet, no new job. The cubicles are back to normal, the carpet was laid, we made it, the upheaval is over, it seems. Computer problems still abound though, and we wonder if the "worm" is still in the system. We use a tracking program for our live calls, our document processing, everything really, and all day it was up and down and up and down, log in, log out, control + alt + delete, task manager, end task, log in, enter ssn#, press enter, freeze, start over. It's magic. One minute it's there, the next it's not! I laugh at it now, it makes things exceptionally challenging. Yesterday I said, "Can you imagine if we had one whole day where nothing went wrong? Wouldn't it be dreamy?", or something to that effect. I still feel I'm rushing, and when things slow long enough to read some of EW, which I am like 3 issues behind in, I'm racing too much to read. Can barely do it, and the phone rings anyway. Planning, making lists, don't want to forget this, or that, have headache, should take Tylenol on the trip, don't forget, should take Band-Aids, you never know, I have no antiseptic, what if we get hurt?, will someone have a First Aid kit? Etc. Email from the International Action Center saying the Secret Service is banning all protests in front of the White House, for 30 days, the same email from Dianne, our local IAC organizer. It's a conspiracy, of course, not just for security, but because the government does not want opposition to its cause, it needs 100% support right now. They want to make it difficult, but IAC already has permits.....we're marching, like it or not. Meanwhile, the weather is spectacular, and cool, approaching cold, and I worry now about weather for Saturday. I have no clue what to expect, won't know until maybe Friday what to take as far as clothes go. And I'm worn out. Times like this I feel old, or think I've got cancer or something, think I have Epstein-Barr virus, or Chronic Fatigue, and aren't they the same thing? Maybe I simply can't stay up every night to watch my shows on TV, then read my favorite diaries online, then watch Letterman, and expect to get enough sleep with Gladys running her training regimen and get up and be bright eyed and bushy tailed. It doesn't work like that. Could we have more hours in the day maybe? Could we alter ourselves somehow so that we need less sleep? And not use drugs to do it? I had to skip the dishes, they will stay dirty, and the carpet will have gravelly pieces of cat litter here and there because I am not vacuuming for another day at least. And I will keep updating my lists so that I am prepared, I am playing the game of chess and I see 4 moves ahead. No more, but no less. Any more boggles my mind, any less and I am anxious. Tonight I'm getting sleep, I'm skipping "Wolf Lake", which was actually pretty good last week, and I'm getting in bed. Tomorrow is final prep, and I've got to consider the cats, make plans for them to be on their own for a couple nights and a day.... I just hope we're not somehow banned altogether from this march/rally. That would suck royally. And I hope LTR can somhow remove himself from my subconscious. He is not nice to me in my dreams, so I'd prefer it if he stayed away. Cost of the War in Iraq
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