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2001-12-15 / 1:02 a.m. ~Sensitivity and P.L.U.R~ I'm really tired. I've been online for about two hours now, reading diaries, catching up, and tweaking my new guestbook. I wanted it to look really different, or different enough, so that it wouldn't remind me of the other one. I did go and read it today, the newest entries, and they were all good! Nothing to fear, no stress, no worries. No one would understand what all the commotion did to me. I am a highly sensitive person. My brother and I are very similar in this regard. We're quite eccentric, have very eclectic tastes, are mostly very intelligent, possess high IQs, come from good genes, whatever that means, I'm trying to say we were really well bred, well, I was, he's a freak, but when I stop to think about him, or about me, I think about us, and we are the same, cut from the same cloth. We both are quick to put others down, to criticize, to point out ignorance and chastise accordingly (well, not me, him, just him, I'm not that bad, just at certain times of the month, no, I'm open and accepting, right?), but inside we feel inferior, and superior, all at the same time. And, along with all of that, we are incredibly sensitive, hold on to hurt, let it fester inside of us, perceiving every slight with some paranoid glee. It makes no sense, I know, but he and I are so alike. I'll think he's such an arrogant ass, when really I've hurt him, maybe made him cry without knowing, and he thinks the same of me, and I won't even realize what I've done. So, people say things to me, after I've been abrasive or rude, not realizing I've been abrasive and rude, and they cut me to my quick, and I crawl around in pain, suffering, feeling intensely hated, when it's not that extreme. I feel things deeply, too deeply. I've written before that I am empathic, and I believe this, I have to shut off my feelings at times because I know I am capable of feeling what the other is feeling, what the situation calls for, to the extreme. Alas, I've been very affected. I still have questions, doubts, and a desire to communicate with certain people who would choose to make me miserable, but I know it's foolish, and so far I've held back. After Quinn forwarded an email to me from Eris, something which said the whole "group" intended to notify my ISP that I've been harrassing them, or something, I trusted she sent it to me to let me know what was happening, that she was supportive, but I realized she was playing both sides, and was trying to drive me into a fearful state. It didn't work. I thought about it, and wrote to Roadiepig, and came to the conclusion that they could do nothing. The ISP wasn't going to do anything, unless perhaps I was using their server to host a web site filled with something illegal, child porn, or bestiality, or murder, or I don't know what. I came to the conclusion, despite the effort to convince me otherwise, that I did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Anyway...yes, I have had quite the stressful week. I'm better now, thank you, Burnoutchick, I am much better. I don't know how to change my username, and if I could I might, but I still believe there are designers, the auction club, the girls who came after me, waiting to find me. It feels that way. Okay, this is enough for now, thanks you guys, and JElias, I really appreciate you defending me the way you did. You and Roadiepig, and Burnoutchick and Dharmaqueen, and anyone else I'm leaving out. Even Ali-Kat came to my rescue, and yeah, I was feeling a need to be rescued, I was feeling particularly weak. It's not wrong to want help, I have learned that in my life, and I wanted to call out to someone, anyone, all week long. Yesterday, or today, Veronica showed me her new diamond ring her husband gave her for her birthday, and my first reaction was envy, jealousy, and I backed right up out of that and said I was happy for her, how nice for her that her husband loves her so much, and I was honest, told her, and Lulu, that my reaction was that I would never be loved, and Lulu said something about me needing to get some good food and some good loving, and I thought, yeah, that's all I need. Well, tonight I went to the game, I'll write about it tomorrow. For now, good night. Here's a link to a web page that explains the origin of P.L.U.R. It's kind of corny, but I like it. I've never been to a real Rave, but I've danced to my own groove, in clubs and out, unable to stop, and not wanting to, without Ecstasy, and I grew up wanting to be a hippie, which is really what Ravers are, in their own way, so this fits, it all fits. And, if you want to know even more, see the movie "Groove". One more thing...I forgot to note in yesterday's entry that I'm developing quite a "thing" for Ethan, the good looking soccer player on "Survivor: Africa". It's his hair, his body, oh yeah...!, his eyes, his beard that's looking so good, and his nose. I love noses. They showed his profile on last night's episode, like the camera just hung there, in mid air, focusing on him from the side, the beauty of Africa beyond his beautiful face, and wow, what a fantastic profile he has! And he's smart, like really intelligent, and he has beautiful teeth. I haven't noticed his hands yet, I have a thing for hands too....hands, noses, teeth, eyes, hair and well, of course a lack of girth is nice. So yeah, Ethan is HOT, er, handsome, um, I really like looking at him, listening to him talk, watching the wheels turn inside his beautiful head. That is all. Cost of the War in Iraq
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