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2001-10-01 / 1:36 p.m. ~Sex and Opposition~ I read this today on the International Action Center's web site: "The September 29 Protest against War and Racism in It was amazing when we turned around and saw how many we were. It was awe inspiring, it was moving, and I'll never forget it. I dropped off my disposable camera just a few minutes ago, and hopefully the photo people will not hate me and decide not to give me my photos. To all of you who do feel such hatred towards me, I just want to add that there are a lot of other reasons to hate me. I am half Jewish. I have dark hair. My skin is white. I drive a Toyota. I am agnostic. I love animals. I live with cats. You can hate me for any of those things too. Your hatred will only serve to consume you and make you miserable in the long run, but you are welcome to hate away. After my intense lusting after Carlos I was miserable. I wrote to him, I confessed my attraction, I wrote of my own fear of overwhelming him, and I have heard nothing in response. It hasn't been long, just a day, but I don't think I will hear anything from him. Just when I was feeling sort of sad about that, and very tired, even though I had a 6 hour "nap" yesterday afternoon, I got in bed early to get some more sleep.....and the phone rang. Nelson must have been psychic, must have felt some need to reach out to me, I don't know, but I was happy to talk to him. After all we went through, me not trusting him, me never wanting to speak to him again, then the memories of what we shared, the desire for phone sex with him again, and now we are talking again. We did the usual, talked, talked, talked, argued, debated - he is in New York, he told me no one can know what it's like unless they live there, right there, where fear is rampant, where people simply await the next attack. He is happy for me that I am speaking out, he supports my effort, but he disagrees with me. He does not hate me. We talked for hours before he suggested we have phone sex, and I wasn't sure I could, wasn't sure that all the bad blood between us was gone, but I wanted to imagine him touching me, wanted to do everything we said, wanted to be with someone, him, Carlos. It was enough, for now. He wants to meet me still, he says, and I won't ever believe that. Not again. I won't ever trust him, not again. But if he has a desire for me that is enough for now. I need that. We talked about sex at work this morning. K. hasn't had it since February, and for me it's been one year next month. I told them about last night, about Nelson, and we shared such intensely personal information it felt really good for just a moment, before we jumped back into our work. I told everyone about D.C., they all wanted to know, they all tuned into C-Span at some point on Saturday, all shared my enthusiasm for my efforts, may not agree, not 100%, but no one there hates me. I told Lulu about this diary, about the people here who I believe would actually hurt me, and she said I have to expect that, and I do. We were commended Saturday, during the rally, by various speakers, just for showing up! For not being afraid to hold an unpopular opinion, to speak out in this time of absurd nationalism, racism, fear and hatred. We were courageous, we face opposition for our stand, and we will continue to face opposition. I didn't really expect it from my diary, but I won't curb my thoughts, my writing, I won't back down. This is my diary. Cost of the War in Iraq
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