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2001-10-01 / 9:25 p.m. ~Full Moon in Aries~ Entry number 2, 10-01-01. Why? I'm not sure. I have a lot on my mind, and this might be a good place to let it out. Work through something, things, it's all a jumble. I can't even read right now, nothing more than articles online, or diaries, can't even get through the 3 or 4 issues I'm behind in Entertainment Weekly, haven't read a book in over a month. Too much to think about, no way to concentrate. Mind running all the time, spinning, too much. I was thinking about "crushes" today, about desire, about longing, lust and rejection. Thinking that to be free of desire is the Buddhist way, that if I could achieve that within myself I could be truly happy. Thinking that longing without fulfillment causes a certain kind of dread, a certain unhappiness deep within. I experienced an intense social event this past weekend, a melding of people, all people, a coming together in a sort of spiritual way, for one cause, peace. It blew me away, I was near tears while we cheered in unison, while we marched, while we danced to drums and chanted, while we smiled and felt this incredible unity, this moment of being one multi-colored people, one living organism. It was the largest protest I've ever been a part of, and I want nothing more than to keep up that spirit, to feel that togetherness that I felt then. But tonight, I couldn't make the meeting, I couldn't leave the apt., I came home, ate and read diaries, I wrote email letters, I read the posts at "ganowar", and articles at antiwar.com. I re-read Ali-Kat's entries in my guestbook, puzzled. There is a lot about tomorrow on Cainer.com, about the full moon in my sign, about some conjunct with Saturn and Mars, or is it Jupiter?, and I cannot even retain it. Cainer claims it's not serious, that there is no immediate threat for terrorism as dictated by the planets, but I don't know anything anymore, and I don't understand his predictions for me. They never seem to apply. He is spacier than Rob Brezny and his Realastrology site/column. I want to know the future, but then I don't. I want to know if things will ever improve, or if this is the beginning of the end. I want to know if I will ever love again, or if I will free myself from painful emotions, desire and longing. I want to get involved, more, really help the Coalition, maybe take photos for them, or do admin work, or just pass out flyers at rallies. I want to make a difference, and I want to surround myself with passionate friends, people who feel strongly, but don't hate those whose opinons differ. I want to be around peaceful people, people who don't hate, who don't seek vengeance. I'm desiring again. How to live without it? How to "be here now"? How to live in this very moment and not care about what happens next? I feel something stirring, and if it's my own ruling planet, Mars, then that's it, or if it's the full moon in my own sun sign, then that's it, and if I, like Van Gogh, am affected by Aries Sun, and Sag Moon, does that mean I will go mad as well? I don't want to think about Nelson sitting there at a PC somewhere, logged into ICQ, yet not "talking" to me. I don't want to think of Carlos reading my email and shaking his head, feeling embarassed at my overture. I don't want to think of Linda and her constant seeming hatred of me, the fact that she is the only one who didn't ask about my trip, that she doesn't care, that she continues to read her bible at her desk, to underline passages, and hate me all the while. I want to sit on a beach and stare at the ocean, dig my feet in the sand, feel the ocean breeze swirl over my body. I want to drift, away, and forget to think, for one day, for one week, for one month, for one year. I want to sleep for a day, and not dream. I want to march down Pennsylvania Avenue again, flashing peace signs at everyone on the sidewalks, holding my sign, chanting, "War is Not the Answer!". I want to feel I'm making a difference, I want people to rise up and join us, file on in line behind us, take up the chant, until we are so loud no one can hear anything but us. And I want to make love with every passionate and beautiful activist there. Afterward, we'll eat a vegan feast beneath the old oak trees and hug animals close to our breasts. Right now, I have to give up on this, call it a day, log off, go to sleep, sleep so I can shut it all off, not desire any more for one day. Not think about that which is not in front of me, that which I will not have, those who do not feel as I do, those who would seek to inflict pain or wound, or worse, to kill. Life has changed. Cost of the War in Iraq
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