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Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005 / 9:01 p.m. ~I'm On My Third Load of Laundry~ G. and I slept all day. We spooned. And I looked at her, still do, and thought/think, she has no idea, she has no idea at all. She will think I've betrayed her, she will think I'm doing this to her, she will not understand at all, and it's going to hurt, I don't care about the morphine injection, it is going to hurt, and this is going to cost me a fortune, and I'll have to pay interest on the credit card because there is no way I can pay this off when I get the bill next month, I won't even have an income next month. It is SO going to suck tomorrow, early, taking her in and leaving her, and she just has no idea she's going back, and Norm hasn't an idea either, and Norm will sit on her blanket on the sofa alone, no one's head to lick. It is so incredibly sad, just awful sad. And yes, I think what if G. dies, what if her kidneys can't take it all, what if there are 'complications' and a simple lumpectomy turns into a relatively healthy, albeit kidney diseased cat, MY cat, dying on the table, despite all the 'Bag her!'s and the 'Code Blue!'s, and the 'Doctor, her pressure's dropping!'s? I hate this more than I can convey, and I don't think there is anyone who would understand right now. And no, I do not want to talk about it. Remind me never to do this again, never to adopt another cat because she looks me right in the eye and we bond instantly. And remind me never to fall in love again, with an animal or a person, it's just too awful when it comes to the hard parts, and it's all hard, isn't it? There is a best case scenario, and there is a worst case scenario here, and the uncertainty is almost too much to bear. Honestly, I'd much prefer if it were one month from now. I think by then things should be more certain, all the way around, but this part, this part here, and now, and tomorrow especially? This is not even as bad as it is going to get. Whoooo, life is hard. And then you die. Cost of the War in Iraq
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