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Saturday, Aug. 30, 2003 / 6:01 p.m. ~Gray Skies in Social Hell~ I dreamed the sky was blue, like Autumn blue, and the air was clean, crisp. But in reality I woke to hard rain. I think the temps have dropped with the rain, but I have no plans to step outside and feel for myself. I'm listening/watching the "BB4" live feed - Jee and Allison are playing cards. When they talk it sounds sort of garbled. It's strange to have these other people seemingly 'in the room' with me. Though they're not at all. I just ate a garlic bologna, cheddar, and lettuce sandwich on honey whole wheat, with mayo. And I was thinking about the women at work, especially Q, and how she won't eat mayo, only Miracle Whip, and how yesterday, at the Farmer's Market/Whole Foods, she was so weirded out by the fresh seafood, the wole fish, the blue crabs writhing in their suffocating slow death out of water, and the face she made at the man offering up samples of quail freshly fried on a griddle. He said it would be ready in a few minutes, and when he saw her face, said it tastes like duck, but she turned her head rudely, ignored him. I asked her later, has she never tried any 'game birds', not even Cornish Hens, not duck, not goose, nothing really?, and she said no, even coming from the country, her male relatives would hunt, but she wouldn't try anything. And that's the thing I can't stand about her, she won't try anything. It's like she's living with her eyes closed. She snacks on chips with Ranch dressing, and anything salty all day long, cooks pork chops, cabbage and cornbread for her granddaughter every night, let's her granddaughter eat the same crappy snacks, and McDonald's every other day. There is so much to life, so much out there, other people, other lands, other cultures, other foods, a whole wealth, a plethora, a cornucopia of 'things' to feed the senses, but she eats chips and sucks her teeth all day. And turns her head, and refuses to hear, and closes her eys, her big rheumy looking eyes, sort of brown where the whites should be, her teeth filled with gold and wires and dirty with the sucking. Saving her appetite for chips and Cheetos, and skipping the fruit, the quail, the Brie. I know we're all different, I struggle to accept and appreciate everyone, I do, but I pity those who close themselves off, who shut down their senses, their minds, who don't want to know, to learn, to live. Who choose not to live. I suffer circumstances, but my choice is to live, to suck it all up, not sit with eyes closed sucking teeth, but absorb the world, try it all, and this is the enjoyment. I really would like to have friends, a small group, intellectuals, open minded individuals, cultured people, cosmopolitan, yet earthy, well traveled, adventurous and passionate, compassionate, humorous, real people. I hate that there is no one I can relate to, no one I know with shared experiences. I know I'm extroverted, and being alone is fine, it's the best for me, but having no one to bounce ideas off of, or share things with, or eat gourmet food with, or see independent and foreign films with, to TALK WITH, is really becoming difficult for me. I'm used to having at least one person at work that I can talk to, or one person online to write to, but right now there is no one. I'll get over it, there are movies to watch, there's food to prepare, there are books to read, there's my EW, and the cats of course, so I'll be okay, but I think I'm missing human interaction, and not just any, but the right kind. I'm in a kind of social hell lately. The live feed crashed, I had to shut it down. Someone was called to the Diary Room, I think, and then the PC froze, so I closed it. Gladys is curled up with one of her many toys - she is so cute, I should take her picture, but by the time I get my camera and my flash, she'd move, I know this. Cost of the War in Iraq
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