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2001-10-04 / 7:53 p.m. ~Stupid Diaryland~ I should be watching the game. Thrashers' season opener, against Buffalo, in Buffalo....oh, period just ended. We're leading, 1-0, but I can't concentrate, can't throw myself into it, not like I used to. No, I read Liz's comment in my guestbook, and along with all of Ali-kat's comments, and her emails, and Roadiepig's, and the good stuff I've been sharing with Cat71 lately....it's good, it's bad, I don't know. Yeah, Liz/MyMichele, I removed you from my list. I did read your entire diary, one day, because I enjoyed it, it was entertaining. Maybe I don't like the way you always seem to put yourself down. Maybe I just don't want to read you anymore, maybe it is intensely personal, to say I don't want to read someone's diary, but you are in need of attention, begging for it within your diary, wanting people to add you to their lists of favorites. You don't need me. Hell, I didn't even know you still read me. You signed my guestbook a couple times, but it's not like I'm on your stupid list. I never thought you read my diary. I doubt you'll read this. And you could've really asked me about it, via email, but you didn't. And GeneM. You took me off your list as soon as you saw I took you off mine. What is that about? You can only list me if I list you? Huh? I'm striking up a friendship with Cat71, it didn't seem right for me to read you, to like what I was reading, and be friends with her.....and then you started writing about your muscles, and well, that turned me off - you're a good writer, when you really write you are interesting. Surely I've turned you off too, why wait to remove me until you see I've removed you? Were you just itching for the opportunity? You try to engage me in debate, via notes, and my guestbook? Another one who's afraid of email....and you have no contact link in your diary. Isn't this all such total fucking bullshit? To feel I know these people, to think I'll meet any of you, and what then? Then do I still read your diary? What is the point? I came here to write. The web site which had published my writing went out of business, I wanted another online outlet, I wanted an audience, I wanted to write my personal diary, my life, to be real and honest, and know that strangers would read it, that voyeurs would know all about me, but never actually know me. It was intriguing, it still is. I've had different diaries listed in my favorites....I had Anenigma there once, long ago. When I removed her I knew she'd never notice - she has LOTS of admirers. I had Quoted, for a long time, listed....I simply stopped reading it. She doesn't update it much, and "she" is Francine, who I still have listed. Her diary is more interesting than miscellaneous quotes. Why do I feel I have to justify this now? When I saw Nevar had dumped me I understood. Why would a teenager, or is she twentysomething?, bother reading my diary? I would try to read hers, but she has so many graphics it would take my old PC about 5 minutes just to load it up, then there was very little actual writing on her pages. What was the point? I never added her, she simply had me on her list. Now she doesn't. Did I bitch to her? Leave her a note? Fuck no. Why? Inarticulate - I had her listed, took her off long ago, left her in my bookmarks, still read her, but didn't list her in my faves. Now she's changed her background color to lime green - ACK! - I took her off my bookmarks. You should see my bookmarks...any chance to clean them up is good. Besides, I never liked her page format, wrote her email to question it, and her life is nothing like mine, we are so different, there is little common ground. I was never on her list, and I didn't care. See, reasons, some diaries I read, some I don't, some I list as faves, some I simply have bookmarked. Most I read all the way through, some I don't take the time. Bathsheba is an excellent writer, a professional translator, an amazing woman, and in a tremendous amount of pain right now. It almost hurts to read her diary, but I do, because it's beautiful, she is beautiful. She has never listed me as a favorite, she never will, and know what? I couldn't care less. I'll not remove her because she is amazing, I'll say it again. I admire her, I reach out to her, I wish I knew her. I feel similarly about Cat71, and we are in touch, and I am glad, and I hope I don't piss her off.....somehow I feel I'm capable of doing that. But she has closed her diary for good. Too much bad blood here on Diaryland. I understand. I still list Rockstarkat, though I can't access her diary at all. I use Netscape and her diary is not compatible. I was reading her from work, but we've had major virus/worm issues at work, have new anti-virus software installed, and apparently increased security on the internet access PC. I couldn't read any diaries from there today. So, I may never get to read her again. For this I am sorry, because I think she's great, and loyal. She's defended me against those who would choose to hurt me. I need that sometimes. We chat on ICQ. I will always be interested in her life. Who else? Provisional.....we've written, he's not writing me lately. That's cool. I don't expect for us to be friends. I enjoy his diary, he is passionate and I like that in a man. Any other explaining I need to do? Oh, Dynamiterave stopped updating. I took him off. Then I checked and he had updated. Still, it's not enough for me to recommend him. I want to read diaries in which people actually write, like daily. Tattoobelly is great for that! She writes Mon-Fri, from work. I love her diary, it lifts me up. She is positive, mostly, and we share a lot of interests. I'm afraid I've really clogged up her guestbook, just to say, Hey, me too! kind of stuff. But she never listed me as a fave, and again, I don't give a fuck. She doesn't need to list me. I like her diary, so I list her. Heavenlyging is a good writer, a teacher, an interesting person, and has supported me, given me lots of feedback. Her diary is very slow to download on my PC, but I check her out when I have time, usually weekends. I think she has me listed too, but if she didn't it wouldn't matter. Do you people understand?? This is so fucking high school. Really, I'm sick of the bullshit. I'll add you, then you add me, I'll add you if you'll add me, oh, you removed me, well I'll show you! There, I took you off too!! Oh, I disagree with you, oh I'll write that you make me sick in your guestbook, that'll show you! How old are you guys? 10? Hopefully I can get past this shit because I was enjoying, for the most part, writing here. Look, if you're reading this now, and I didn't mention you above, don't freak out. Why not take me off your stupid list of "favorites", okay? I really don't care if I'm listed or not. I just want to write. Take me off, stop reading this, do what you need to do. This is not all that exciting, is it? It's just my diary, and I don't need/want your approval, nor your attention. I won't be removing the guestbook and site meter yet, but who knows, I may get to that point. Right now, it's just this whole "favorite diaries" thing that is pissing me off royally. I was sorely tempted to remove everyone left on my list, but then I'd really confuse and hurt and offend people. Bad move. Speaking of me and my temper.....this morning I didn't even say good morning to D., my supervisor, no, I came in, it was freezing, I put on my sweater and rushed to the thermostat.....it was set at 63 degrees! I was so pissed, I turned to her and said, "Is the thermostat supposed to be set at 63 degrees? It's freezing in here, I came in from OUTSIDE and had to put on my sweater. I'm tired of being cold, we've all got on jackets and sweaters, this is ridiculous!", then the HR manager walked up to talk to D., and I grabbed her, let her feel my cold hand, said, "Is it supposed to be 63 degrees in here?!!!!", and she said, "Uh, no....", and well, the squeaky fucking wheel got greased. The facilities manager set it back to normal, it warmed up, by the end of the day I was quite comfortable. But, Lulu knew I was in a rage, and she took it, let me vent. I sat and read for hours before I could talk. Okay, so I have a temper. Okay. Later, Lulu asked me if I'm in love....how odd is that? She said I looked "vibrant", and I said I was just flushed with a slight fever. Crazy. Got my pictures back from D.C. and they suck, basically. I was holding the little disposable camera up in the air to get crowd shots, and it didn't work too well, hard to aim that way. And some were quite blurry - guess I was using one hand, shaking a bit, I don't know. I am almost ashamed, me, the one who actually went to art school to study photography. I blame it on the cheap little disposable camera. Ah....but I have photos of Carlos now............. I am going to watch the rest of the hockey game. I can't believe I'm writing all this crap here instead of watching. You've read this far, take me off your list, okay? Stop reading me for awhile, you won't miss anything. It's only a diary, okay? Let's get away from the petty bullshit. Cost of the War in Iraq
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