|
2001-08-04 / 1:26 a.m. ~This is me exhausted~ This may be the latest I've posted an entry. I wanted to see what it would be like to write something when I'm too tired to function normally. It's late, for a weeknight, for me, and this was a long day, and this was a long week, and I've been under an awful lot of stress, and as I write those words I suddenly feel it. I suddenly feel the emotion of what I'm writing. Today (I know, technically yesterday) Linda was silent. She was the evil Linda, the snappy Linda, the won't look me in the eyes at all Linda, the Linda who won't talk to anyone, not just not to me, the Linda who worries me. It was wonderful to have silence when I wanted it, for a change, and when she found herself humming she cut herself off, I could hear it. I felt guilty and cruel, and again like I am in the middle of something which should not even be happening. A. was back at work, said she threw up a lot yesterday, stayed home sick, and unlike others who call in "sick", she was sick. She said she thought of me when she was throwing up! And isn't that charming, I thought, and said aloud. She remembered me saying that I could never be bulimic because vomiting is one of the worst experiences in life. And she agreed, there, at home, vomiting for herself. Thinking of me, thinking, yeah, Joleen was right. I must "LOL" as I write that. Yeah. Actually it was a chuckle, a "COL". Maybe a snicker. "SOL". But she was wild today, A. was goofy crazy, A. was delightful, A. was someone I want to be with forever, I want to be best friends, I want to tell her everything and listen as she tells me everything, and we talk and talk and talk, like we have before, on similar crazy days, and the phones went out, for an hour or more, and I was the only one who actually noticed. Good times. But A. is leaving, turned in her resignation and this is devastating in a way. This is too much. Kathy will leave too, same time, the permanent temp. What will be left? Me. Linda, the evil one. P., the silent Scorpio, genuine, but to herself. Quiet, to herself, on her own, to herself. Karen, V., L. Just us. Prison. Work, the job, is consuming me, and Jeff Buckley songs have been in my head all day. My brain is singing "Hallelujah", and all the other songs on "Grace", the tunes I'd first thought unhummable, too meandering to be remembered. Now stuck. He is stuck there. And Robert says he'll build me a computer, starting tomorrow, has a Pentium 90, whatever that is (how did we go from II and III and now IV to 90? - or was it the other way around?), and I joke that he will do it for sex. And he says yes, and I worry he is telling the truth. I worry that he will come here, and he will want sex with me, and I know I don't want it with him, and what do I do? Close my eyes and pretend he's someone else? I'm not a hooker. I'm not getting paid. I'll make love with whomever pleases me, attracts me. And it should be something great. Not mediocre. Didn't Cher remain celibate for 6 years once? If she can do it, maybe I can too. The moon is full. I could see it rise through the slats of my mini blinds. Earlier, as I sat here in front of this monitor, this video display terminal, reading diaries, etc. Chatting with Kat on ICQ, reading her messages of support for my diary, and messages of happiness to be with a man she enjoys. One who is good, for her. I try not to envy her, I am just happy for her, she deserves happiness. More than most. Now, I have a really comfy nightgown awaiting me, soft cotton, and clean sheets, and my mattress I rotated so the springs don't jab me in my hips the way they did. And I can fall asleep to the TV, to some movie on my digital cable, and Gladys can spoon with me, under the covers, and Norma beside me, up against the other pillow. And we will sleep late, us girls, because tomorrow is Saturday, and tomorrow night I will conisder taking myself out to a club, to dance, to mingle, to hunt my prey. It's not a definite, but the moon is full and I am restless. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |